Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

…

…

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Review OR Kanye Haters Imma Let U Finish But- November 11, 2010

 

If you’re reading this right now, chances are you don’t like Kanye West. There are plenty of reasons to come to this conclusion. Maybe you hate him for ruining Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMAs last year. Maybe you hate him for using a substantial amount of Auto-Tune on 808s and Heartbreak. Maybe you hate him because time and time again, he came off as an egotistical asshole. Or maybe you hate him because you straight up just don’t like the genre.

Regardless, for whatever reason you don’t like Kanye, it ultimately doesn’t matter. Seriously. It doesn’t. You can hate all you want but it won’t change how much impact he’s had on the rap genre in the past decade. Is he batshit insane? Of course. But it’s the crazy people who put out the most noteworthy music (see Brian Wilson, Kurt Cobain etc). His new album proves that. That’s right. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one of the best pop albums released in recent memory and in 10 years will most likely be viewed as a classic of this musical generation. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

The album starts off with a spoken word intro by Ms. Nicki Minaj and then the first sample erupts with a catchy yet otherworldly grandeur. Much like other uses of sampling of Kanye songs, it’s soulful but much is different. The production throughout the whole album (which is flawless by the way) is dreamlike, mysterious and uplifting all at the same time. “Power” combines King Crimson with tribal chants. “Gorgeous” has a psychedelic rock vibe with the help of Kanye’s “Robin”, Kid Cudi. “Hell of A Life” plays with the Black Sabbath “Iron Man” riff while “All of the Lights” (which is an easy contender for SOTY) starts with a tremendously grand horn section that eventually delves face first into a mosh pit of drum machines that turn “bumping and grinding” to spaz attacks. Then the second to last song “Lost in the World” turns a beloved Bon Iver song into a riotous celebration. Tracks jump from orchestral to soulful to heavenly to demonic. It’s musical bipolarity in its purest, catchiest and most refined form.

The rapping is back. Full throttle. There’s still auto tune here and there but when used, it actually works. MBDTF manages to contain the hip hop from Kanye’s first three releases while maintaining the minimalistic and haunting atmosphere of 808s. Plus almost every guest appearance on here is phenomenal. From Rihanna’s chorus on “All of the Lights” to Nicki Minaj’s verse on “Monster” that may possibly cause earthquakes for being too straight up awesome to Jay-Z owning life to Elton Freaking John. Yup.

When it comes down to it, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy reveals Kanye as both a hip-hop savior and a pop-culture burdened monster; a necessary evil for a music scene that’s too busy holding on to auto-tune and dance floor analogies to do something different. And here it is. MBDTF is a pop top 40-centric album that can be safely labeled as unique. Last time such a statement could be said was back in 03 with Outkast’s Speakerboxx/The Love Below. Will this album save the top 40 scene from mediocrity? Only time will tell. But one thing for certain is that you may hate Kanye West (and you probably will) but one thing is for certain. While there may be a lot wrong with him, he does know how to make pop music like no one else right now.
This is easily one of the most interesting and noteworthy pop albums in a damn damn damn long time. All coming from “the biggest asshole ever”.

Your move 50 Cent.

 

RIYL: being mean to Taylor Swift, calling presidents racist, gayfish

The Many Mysteries in the Land of Jersey Shore September 15, 2010

I think at this point it’s safe to say I hate the cast (I’ll just refer to them as bro 1-4 and biddy 1-4 as of now) of the epic tale that is refered to as Jersey Shore. Last year we were introduced to this fantastical realm of formidable possibly rhoid-rage fueled warriors,

psychopathic cockblocking witches (that for some reason I find kinda hot),

and… I honestly don’t know what race or class this falls under… what was Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Cause it’s probably that.

Jersey Shore is ultimately that out of control, possibly schizophrenic, drugged out his/her mind kid that was on your dorm floor freshman year. Sure (s)he was annoying as hell but he provided a copious amount of hilarity for you and your friends. You watched his/her drunken antics (from afar) laughing all the way. (S)He was so stupid it was hilarious, you loved it… yeah well now it’s sophomore year. And (s)he’s on your floor again. Now you’re just plain sick of him/her. The embarrassing drunken antics got old and now instead of a means of schadenfreude you just see a scumbag. And to make matters worse, he mostly just spends his time complaining about his on again/off again lover.

But I digress, this isn’t about the lack of quality of the show (quality is void in the realm of The Shore), this is about it’s endless stream of interest despite the fact that it documents the life of the trashiest people God had the accident of creating. Ultimately, the show has more mysteries than Lost. Many of them just started as hilarious “what if” scenarios but as I investigated further and noticed certain details: there is far more to Jersey Shore than fist pumps and avoiding “grenades”. So I have (as any professional Shoreologist would) studied certain elements of each episode mainly of this season, to point out the mysteries that have crossed my eye.

JWOWW: Boy or Steroid Taking Boy?

So there’s the obvious stabs at her appearance: the grotesquely fake breasts, her Andre the Giant physique, her voice that sounds like a cross-breed of horny old man and Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, but all those elements proved one thing and one thing only. JWoww is fucking terrifying by description. But it was during the second episode this season where things got hazy. In this episode JWoww drives Sammi and Snooki to a adult shop to find sexy club clothes but this wasn’t just any sex shop; this was a tranny sex shop. Now like I said before this is the second episode and as you all know they’re in Miami this season; so obviously they’ve been in Miami for only a few days. So riddle me this Batman: how the hell does JWoww know exactly where the tranny shop is in a city she’s never visited until now and just started living in for a couple of days? Unless… no. That’s ridiculous. Until she says this: “The sex shop is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. It’s my scene. And when I get into my scene I get into my clothes.” Wait… what? Did she just refer to the tranny sex shop as “her scene”? Christ not even Tobias Funke would give such obvious hints to the secrets of his sexuality. Although if JWoww really is a transvestite and therefore a dude, it would explain a lot. I mean the fact that she can’t have a mature argument with someone without threatening to murder them might just be her testosterone going out of control. It even explains her name. But their not saying “wow” because they think (s)he’s hot. It’s a “Wow, that’s one impressive drag queen!” or “Wow, he thinks he’s passing as a girl?” Of course, if all of this is true. Then this means DJ Pauly D hooked up with a dude… which is hilarious in it’s own right.

Is Vinny A Spy?

There is quite a difference between 1st Season Vinny and 2nd Season Vinny. 1st Season is profoundly down-to-earth and kinda mocks everyone on the show when they do something mockable. He is usually dubbed as “the smart one (?)”. In season 2 he joined MVP, aka Mike, Vinny and Pauly, aaka Most Valuable Playas (no really) and quickly joined the “Let’s Bang as Much Club Rats as Possible Guild” (I’m just gonna call it that for now since my whole motif for this is “Jersey Shore is the most fucked up RPG universe I’ve ever associated myself with”). Did Vinny become a douchebag? Not necessarily (at least in my head). First off, let’s face it. DJ Pauly D probably, at one point in his life, accidentally banged an underage chick. I mean the guy is almost 30, repeat almost 30 and his method for picking up girls is something that I, a 21 year old, find embarrassing and juvenile. Somewhere in Pauly’s escapades of hitting clubs, bumping and grinding on biddies and subsequently taking a girl home, some high school chick at her after prom party may have slipped in there. Therefore, Vinny was asked by concerned parents/the po po/anyone else to join the MVP Guild to keep an eye on Pauly and make sure he wasn’t boning anymore jailbait. The mission was successful. Pauly surprisingly became a lot less creepy and a lot nicer in recent episodes. No really. It almost makes up for that horrid Beat dat Beat Up song.

…almost. So Pauly started to grow up meaning that Vinny can go back to his sane, somewhat classy ways. Vinny planed to go on a double date with Pauly and his main squeeze by asking out some dancer he was in love with. Things didn’t go out as well. So while the four psycho girls in the house walk over their boy-toys, Vinny gets rejected and is stuck boning Angelina and Snooki.

Poor, poor Vinny.

Is The Situation a Personality Werewolf?

Oh The Situation. You really want to punch him in the face but you just can’t help but like the smug bastard… or at least envy him because he makes more money than you and all he does is get drunk, have sex and make some delicious looking food. But there’s something odd about him: one moment he tries to keep the peace through all the drama, gives fairly sage advice but then once he’s out at the club he acts like a class A douchebag. I mean at day he comforts Sammi’s and Snooki’s endless heartbreaks and then at night he’s calling girls zoo animals because they have like a slight muffin-top and aren’t Megan Fox hot.

Poor girl must be going through years of therapy

Wait a second… kinda nice guy at day, douchebag at night? Yup. The Situation is a were-bro. I mean that or he’s just a massive hypocrite. I guess we’ll never know and honestly what does it matter? He still makes more money than all of us… just a heads up dude, you should probably give some of that money to all the girls you drove to bulimia. It’s only fair.

Is Snooki the Most Despicable Human Being Creature Thing?

Okay. Let’s go down the list. She looks what would happen if one of those Orc things from Middle Earth got a spray on tan. As we all know, dude law states that bitchiness can only be acceptable if the girl is attractive. Which makes this thing even more detestable because in almost every episode she acts like a complete bitch and then plays the victim more than anyone on Fox News combined (and Fox News loves playing the victim). For example, recently it, Jwoww and Angelina (being a slight part of the initial conversation) wrote a note telling Sammi that Ronnie cheated on her. When everyone found out, Snooki (like a 5 year old discovering their parents found out they pooped the bed) shrieks like a high school scene band that Angelina was a wrote it too. But wait there’s more, when Angelina decides to admit she talked smack about Snooki, it makes a scene in a public place about how Angelina is finally owning up to stuff in a histrionic frenzy that would make Ms. Piggy roll her eyes. Jesus, during a fun game of toss the beach ball Snooki misses the ball and it lightly taps her, everyone laughs lightheartfully. Guess what happens? She convicts Angelina of hitting her on purpose and chucks a flip flop at her in the middle of a family party. You can say but oh it’s young but that’s not a good enough excuse. College girls don’t act like this, high school girls don’t act like this, most kids in middle school nay elementary school even don’t act like this. This thing is every annoying attention-grabbing person on facebook; every stupid fan page and status update, morphed into one giant undeveloped histrionic spitball of neurosis previously unseen in mainstream society. Sure Angelina and Sammi are psychotic and all but at least they have some concept of reality, even if that reality is a profoundly warped self-centered one, they still know how the world works. This thing doesn’t even know there is a world beyond her and her need for juiceheads. And I know some of you are saying, “Well at least it’s easy” but it’s not even that. It may dress in clothes never used outside of strip club and porn shoots but she almost never puts out. That’s right. Snooki every negative aspect about a typical skank without the one slightly positive attribute to society. Oh and did we mention that Snooki is dumb? Like insanely dumb? Like so dumb, it almost feels mean to make fun of her dumb? But no, there has to be something positive about it right? Some kind of attribute that gives her some sense of humanity. There has to be. Oh wait, an article in New York Times about Snooki has it willingly stating that the only two books it read are Dear John and Twilight. Okay. Nevermind. Case closed. Snooki is the most despicable non-murdering thing to ever exist on this life-giving Earth.

That’s it. I’m done. Writing this article isn’t fun anymore.

Scott Pilgrim VS. The World Review: Every Video Game Movie Before This Can Eat It August 16, 2010

One could say that the Scott Pilgrim series is my own Harry Potter or Twilight. It’s a book (well in this case comic book) series that I loved from the beginning. Read over and over again, waiting in grand anticipation for the next volume to be released. It essentially compiled all of my favorite things ever: comics, video games, indie rock, kung-fu, ninjas, hot chicks… you get the idea. All things labeled as epic and/or awesome was compiled in this 6 volume series. It was every geek’s most glorious fantasy compiled with eccentric humor and plenty of stylish grandeur.

So obviously, I was very excited that a Scott Pilgrim film adaptation was in the works. I was then even more excited that Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) would direct it. Then I discovered that Michael Cera would star, which made me suspicious. I mean every role prior to Scott Pilgrim, he was basically a variation of George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development. After all Scott Pilgrim as a character isn’t awkward, he’s just a goofball and an idiot. At first, I was worried if Michael Cera wouldn’t know the difference playing this role. Majority naysayers of the film are naysaying because of their dislike for how “Michael Cera basically only plays himself” (because we’ve all obviously met Cera personally and known him long enough to know what he’s like when he’s “himself”). All that being said, this is Cera actually playing a character, even if that character is ultimately a less awkward, much more animated and silly version of “himself” (whatever that even means).

But enough about Cera, he isn’t the star of the film, Edgar Wright is. Shaun of the Dead was a parody/tribute of the zombie genre and Hot Fuzz did the same for action/buddy cop flicks. This time around Edgar Wright does the treatment for video games and hipster/indie culture, saluting, mocking and celebrating these generational quirks in colorful, over-the-top and remarkably stylish beauty. Such visuals singlehandedly prove you don’t need 3D gimmicks to wow your audience. Even during the two or three awkward atypical Cera moments, you won’t mind it with the visual pizazz Wright throws at you at every turn. Along with Sin City, Scott Pilgrim is one of the few times a film adaptation has truly captured the aesthetic and atmosphere of the source material.

Scott Pilgrim VS. The World, based on the 6 volume Canadian comic book series, tells the chaotic tale of Scott Pilgrim: 23, bassist of local band Sex Bob-omb, irresponsible and lacking of any common sense but ultimately means well (sort of). His life is turned on its head upon meeting Ramona Flowers, a mysterious American who recently moved to Toronto to “escape”. The two hit it off and it isn’t long until Scott learns he has to defeat her seven evil exs. Complete and utter chaos ensues.

Each fight scene is choreographed with so much finesse and energy while incorporating video game elements in surreal and absurd proportions (enemies turn into coins upon defeat, characters “level up”, “extra lives” randomly show up). The film also has endless references to gaming classics like The Legend of Zelda and the Street Fighter series. In one moment, one of the exes breaks out into a Bollywood-inspired song with the help of his demon hipster girls. It’s total madness. In essence, this is the best video game movie ever made. You almost want Wright to go back and re-do every adaptation that was done wrong (Dragonball Evoluton, Street Fighter: The Movie, House of the Dead, Speed Racer etc.). Everything about it is the pure definition of epic, from the jaw-dropping visuals and fight scenes to the catchy 8-bit inspired score done by Nigel Godrich (Radiohead’s producer).

Now a movie that lasts under 2 hours while trying to cover a 6 volume long story-arc, it’s going to be as faithful as it possibly can. That being said, for the sake of the pacing, a lot of the less action-packed moments in the books are removed which results in plenty of omissions: Kim Pine has a less of an important role, a few of the evil exs get less screen time and some minor characters (Lisa Miller and Joseph) are completely removed. Sure some of this was disappointing to me but it was expected. If the film included everything from the books the pacing would be absolutely horrible at times. Besides, if I want the complete Scott Pilgrim experience, I’d just read the comics.

Ultimately, as an adaptation, it could’ve been better but as a movie it’s near perfect. It’s a fun, energetic tribute to the video game world juxtaposed with the chaos of being in a new, confusing relationship. Obviously a lot of people won’t be into it; it’s a certain style that a lot of people will either love or hate. And some will dislike for a lot of reasons whether their disassociation with anything hipster or indie or they don’t take video games seriously or they just straight up don’t like Michael Cera as an actor. That being said, if you were so much as mildly interested in seeing this, you’ll walk out of the theater with a huge smile on your face thinking it was one of the best films of the summer. Because honestly, it so is.

RIYL: video games, kung-fu, color, comics, Canadians, nerdy things, Edgar Wright’s other movies, laughing, smiling, any other emotion that evokes happiness, seriously kids go see this

Nerdy Heartbeat’s Worst Songs of 2010 (So Far) August 11, 2010

DJ Pauly D – Beat Dat Beat (It’s Time To)

Hot Chelle Rae – Bleed

Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag

Millionaires – Off Like A Prom Dress

Mann + Jason DeRulo – Text

Fight Fair – SexyFancyMoney

Waking the Cadaver – Reign Supreme

Usher – OMG

Buckcherry – All Night Long

We Are Defiance + Tom Denny – Airplanes Cover

Against Me! – I Was A Teenage Anarchist

Attack Attack! – Fumbles O’Brian

Disturbed – Another Way To Die

Jason DeRulo – Ridin’ Solo

Ke$ha – Take It Off

Never Shout Never – I Love You 5

Limp Bizkit – Why Try?

Cali Swag District – Teach Me How to Dougie

Cody Simpson + Flo Rida – iYiYiYiY

Plies + Trey Songz – Kitty Kitty

Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.

Nerdy Heartbeat’s Best Songs of 2010 (so far) August 9, 2010

Sleigh Bells – Crown on the Ground

Foxy Shazam – Oh Lord

Drake – The Resistance

Arcade Fire – Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

The Wonder Years – Washington Square Park

Motion City Soundtrack – A Lifeless Ordinary (Need a Little Help)

Against Me! – Because of the Shame

Janelle Monae – Cold War

Kanye West – Power

The Gaslight Anthem – Orphans

Four Year Strong – Find My Way Back

The Morning Of – The Ones That Fall Apart

The Maine – Inside of You

The Rocket Summer – Of Men and Angels

LCD Soundsystem – You Wanted A Hit

B.o.B + Hayley Williams – Airplanes

Los Campesinos! – This is A Flag. There Is No Wind.

3OH!3 – Streets of Gold

Mc Chris – Smackababy

Coheed and Cambria – Far

Nicki Minaj (feat Sean Garrett) – Massive Attack

Frightened Rabbit – Nothing Like You

Portugal. The Man – 1000 Years

Minus the Bear – My Time

M.I.A. – Steppin Up

Youtube them. Download them. Buy their albums. Buy their merch. Go to their concerts and their support their music!

The Most Irritating Things About The Modern Music World August 5, 2010

WARNING: Lots of ranting and rambling that will probably not make any sense below.

Yeah, let’s face it everybody. This little thing called the music industry is becoming more and more disconnecting with reality. But what is it that makes it so irritating. Well a lot of things: there’s the business’ ethic, the arrogance of certain subcultures, the ignorance for anything new. Frankly, we’re all to blame. Yes even you. So let’s scoff at this crazy thing called the music industry.

Pseduo-Feminist Pop Rock Singer-Songwriters That Ironically, Only Sing About Boys

Hey! Did you here? Women are no longer objects of affection to men! I know right? So put down those frying pans and vacuums and bon-bons (women still eat those right?). You are free. You are independent. You are woman! Hear you… sing about your super lame ex-boyfriend all the time. Okay, let me just say straight up that I’m not being sexist. I’m all for equal rights and what not but this is just cashing in on a trend. A trend that’s based around how people find it mindblowing that women can make rock music too. And ever since artists like Pink, Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne broke out in the mainstream any girl that can so much as hold a guitar can get big. This is not the problem though. The problem is that they can’t go beyond the “HOLY CRAP I’M A GIRL ROCKER” phase and pretty much continue to make mediocre pop-rock about broken hearts.

I mean look at Orianthi. She can play guitar really really well. Damn well. She can shred like a mo-fo. And while her first album had this awesomeness:

The rest of it consisted of Kelly Clarkson b-sides with guitar solos tacked on. I mean don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with a little moping in your music. I’m pretty sure some these girls have gone through all kinds of “pretty serious and sad stuff” but why lyrically do you have to be so vauge and bland about it. I don’t feel your break-up. All I got is that: “there’s this guy, he did something lame and now I don’t like him anymore because he’s stupid.” Be personal, be raw, make us feel the pain you felt and for the love of Ray J don’t use live journal worthy metaphors like “my heart has turned into a coffin that is covered in thorns and dirt and other gothic stuff”. And to be honest, if you really are totally over this one guy, then why do you keep singing about him?

In fact, if Janelle Monae and Jenny Lewis taught us anything, it’s that girls don’t always have to sing about boy problems or love in general. There are so many other great things you can sing about. For example:

• Fresh dew dripping off leaves
• A lovely slice of blueberry pie
• Talking dogs with jetpacks
• What is Victoria’s Secret?

And these are just a handful. There is more to this world than falling in and out of love girls (this can all apply to dudes too… I’m looking at you generic skinny dude with acoustic guitar).

Okay, I know I’m being really facetious. I know that most of these artists don’t write these songs, they’re mostly just written by producers of the album. All the people behind the curtain probably coerce pop rockers to sing these songs cause they’re easy to market (hey every angsty teenage girl needs a soundtrack right?). I mean hell, Lady Gaga, being a massive pop icon, has only written one song entirely by herself. So maybe this should be directed to the businessmen telling Kelly Clarkson she should refer to some boy that made her mad as her muse. But still to everyone involved, let them girls rock and roll (or whatever) but please don’t use your high school poetry book for song-writing inspiration that much.

Classic Rock Refusing to Die

Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re 10 again. Puberty is aflame. You ask out of curiosity about the birds and the bees. Out of nowhere, some old guy you barely even know starts going on a tangent about sex, talking about stuff you really don’t care about. You tell him, “Well that’s nice and I’m sure you have fond memories, but I want to hear the 20-somethings perspective on the subject.” That is what I feel like whenever classic rock is on the radio which is, if you didn’t know already, all the f—ing time. And if that’s not enough every hard rock band from the 80s is still making records despite it being years past their prime. Nothing against the classics, artists like Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen are all time favorites of mine, but I really don’t want to hear AC/DC state how they know how to rock and/or roll for the 18th billion time.

Not only that but they’re are so many “new” bands out there like Airbourne or Jet that are big solely because they mimic the sound of a classic rock band. There’s nothing wrong with using past sounds to influence your own but when your songs sounds almost exactly like something that would be on the new AC/DC record, there’s something wrong. Now if modern bands were getting as much exposure as “classic” bands, this wouldn’t be a problem. But their not. Eventually, a bone is thrown and a band like Muse or Coldplay or Kings of Leon reach immense popularity but for the most part, new rock music is ignored. We get it guys, you defined a generation, probably birthed a new genre and influenced a myriad of bands. But come on dudes. Lend someone else the spotlight. There’s plenty of illegitimate children you probably can be taking care of right now.

Top 40 Radio is Still The Only Way Most People Discover Music

Now before you cry foul about how I’m some hipster douche denouncing anything mainstream, let me defend. I am not every metalhead on the internet screaming “I never listen to pop music but I know it sucks”. I like pop music. A lot. I’m down with Gaga. Kanye is probably one of my favorite artists of all time. And Drake’s new album is one of my picks for the best album of the year so far. I don’t hate Top 40 music. Just the way Top 40 is organized. It’s still one of the only ways the mass public discovers music. And they say with great power comes great responsibility, well that responsibility made Ke$ha the breakout artist of the year and continues to push auto-tuned overproduced music that have nothing to say besides hitting the club, eying some sexy thing dancing on the floor, boning someone and simultaneously falling in love (because that always happens). It’s music that’s probably on the The Situation’s and Snooki’s playlists. And no that’s not a good thing.

I mean I had some embarrassing tastes back in middle school. Right before I started getting into bands like Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, I only listened to Linkin Park, Nickelback, Good Charlotte and Evanescence. I legitimately thought those bands were underground. Yeah. I know. But I was not only young but as far as music I wasn’t exposed to anything besides Z100 (the top 40 station in my area). I just started to watch MTV and Fuse during this time, I would subscribe to Spin within a few years and I only used the Internet for AIM and games. It was 2002/03. I had no iTunes Genius or Last.fm accounts or Pandora Radio introducing me to new music, expanding and broadening my taste.

It’s 2010. And we have all of these things. Radio has succumbed to something people listen to in their car when they forgot their iPod. Yet still, even with the endless music-related information on the internet, people still only restrain themselves to what’s on the Top 40 format and dismiss everything else simply because they don’t know it. It’s kind of weird how the Top 40 crowd are turning into elitist hipsters only instead of praising Animal Collective and Vampire Weekend, they’re listening to Ke$ha and Jason DeRulo. It’s like being fat and having a horrible personality. But the new-found top 40 elitism is just a result of a much bigger disaster…

Our Generation has A Serious Elitist Problem

Okay let’s face reality for a bit. Everyone isn’t going to like what you like, particularly music. Music is probably the most subjective art form ever. One person’s favorite band or artist, is another person’s most hated. In this day and age, there are so many genres and sub-genres and subcultures and desire for solely what’s “indie or underground” (or vice-versa) that there isn’t really a general consensus anymore. This isn’t a problem. At all actually. If you’re that passionate about something you should display that passion with expressing what you think about a certain band, album, song etc. It crosses into a problem when you become a complete douche about it.

There’s a difference between being opinionated and being an elitist. Opinionated is saying you don’t like a certain band. Elitist is saying a certain band sucks and has no talent. Hey, it’s one thing to hate a band but when you, some kid on the internet who isn’t in a band and probably never even picked up an instrument, are saying that a band, one that probably makes more money than you ever will and has a massively dedicated fanbase, is a talentless hack; you just sound like an idiot. I mean the internet brought a new age of elitism. Anyone can voice their opinion on something and on the net, the more ridiculous you sound, the bigger impact your voice will probably have. This results in the internet occasionally becoming a pool for elitism: Gaga fans hating Kesha fans, Metallica and Slayer fans hating Bullet for My Valentine and Trivium fans, Taking Back Sunday and Brand New fans hating 3OH!3 and Cobra Starship fans. It gets ridiculous.

But alas, this isn’t even the problem. After all, it’s just kids bored on the internet trying to piss people off. This all changed though in 2008 when a handful of violent riots emerged in Mexico City and Tijuana. Why you ask? Political oppression? Racial/social ignorance? No. Apparently, the “metalhead”, “punk” and “goth” kids of Mexico were really mad that there are kids out there who dress in tight clothes, makeup and like My Chemical Romance. Oh. And then they got like 20 thousand of their “non-poser” friends to gang up and beat the ever living crap out of like three “emo” kids. By the way, the said 3 “emo” kids are probably 5-10 years older than them.

There were also reports of a gang of 10 “metalhead” beating a teenage girl unconscious because she has the basic characteristics of what an “emo girl” is. And, surprisingly, this started as a result of a slew of anti-“emo” groups that emerged online in Mexico. All the threats and plans of an “emo holocaust” went from internet joke, to actual reality. I mean first off, if you actually believe that “emo” is a relevant subculture or genre in 2008, than you A. know very little about music and B. are kind of an idiot but that’s even besides the point. Anti-“emo” groups are all over the net and still exist but very few actually act out in such violently disgusting ways.

This isn’t about what genre is better or what genre sucks. This is about acting like a sane logical human being. You’re looking down on and sometimes even physically hurting people because of their taste in music. It makes our generation look like a bunch of violence-prone, mentally bats–t brats that have absolutely no concept on how human beings treat each other in civilized society. Which maybe is why the industry keeps classic rock over saturated because knowing what we do to each other, they’d want nothing to do with it. And maybe that’s why today’s music world is filled with so many idiotic pop tunes, stupid people need stupid music right?

So stop sipping the haterade and acting like a jackass. Because maybe, just maybe if we act a little smarter, the music industry might give our generation more respect.

The Human Centipede Review July 26, 2010

We all knew that guy in high school. You what guy I’m talking about. Sat by himself in the cafeteria sporting his Slipknot hoodie, huddling in his PSP while glaring at his classmates with the “one day I will kill you” look. I knew one of these kids. One time he told me the most efficient way to torture someone without actually killing them. It was awkward. And disturbing. But even this kid and all the other “that guys” in the world couldn’t conceive the concept of The Human Centipede, a disgustingly absurd and ridiculous new addition to the torture porn genre. The film is already getting branded cult status with a premise that makes everyone think: “Wait… really?”

Torture porn is already a form of horror that isn’t taken seriously at all. Especially since many of them actually try to give off some kind of social commentary about morality and primal human nature… or something. But instead of coming off as smart they just seem to contradict themselves with their messages. Saw is a perfect example. One moment it becomes Our Town and preaches to you about how people don’t appreciate life and stuff and the next minute they show some girl screaming and crying hysterically because there’s fifty nails getting slammed in her skull because… she smoked a cigarette and wished death on someone… once. The Human Centipede however is the real deal… I guess. While some mention how it can be an allegory for Nazi experiments but that’s pushing it. There’s no moral or life lesson or social commentary. This movie is literally 90 minutes of three people being forced into the most horrible situation ever… for no real reason other than the torturer just wants to make people feel pain.

The Human Centipede tells the whimsical tale of Dr. Heiter who after being known for separating conjoined twins now wants to surgically connect several subjects into a single specimen with a single digestive tract. And he plans to do this by (sigh) joining people surgically from the mouth to the anus. Why you ask? Honestly, just because he can. Well that and he’s completely f–king insane. The three helpless victims are some Japanese guy who spends the entire time on screen screaming and two American girls on a European road trip, get lost and then literally spend 10 whole minutes complaining about how lost they are. They’re kidnapped by Heiter. Heiter tells them they’ll be rimming each other for the rest of their lives. Victims scream and resist which eventually results in a extremely slow-paced chase scene. Heiter performs surgery and the human centipede is born.

Once you see the disgusting creation and once the disturbing factor starts to wear off, and believe me it does, the film gets boring, fast. I mean as much as I want to see the doctor make the creature fetch him his newspaper (this actually happens) and then later screaming “FEED HER” to the centipede (I’m pretty sure I don’t need to explain this is further detail), it really drags on too long with way too much cat and mouse scenes and way way too much screaming in agony and pain. I mean I know, they’re attached from the mouth to the b-hole but like half of the film is seeing these people going through the agony of being this thing. It goes from a ridiculously fun cult film to borderline exploitation a bit too fast. Controversial content can only keep a movie going for so long.

I mean if your intrigued, for whatever reason, knock yourself out but don’t be surprised if your more bored than grossed/freaked out. But hey, at least Dr. Heiter isn’t talking about how he’s doing this because he wants the victims to be more grateful about their lives, right? (But seriously Saw movies needs to stop being made).

RIYL: Honestly, I don’t even know, exotic European erotica maybe?

Streets of Gold: Love ’em or Hate ’em, These Colorado Dudes Still Love to Party July 9, 2010

Yo bro! This 3OH!3 band is totally destroying music! How can people like ’em? They’re not even an actual “band”. They have absolutely no talent, yet their famous! What the hell? Yup 3OH!3, the Colorado-based electro-rap duo, have their share of haters but in a scene plastered with bands like Brokencyde, Millionaires and like 28 radio hits each month that have to do with *ahem* “gettin all up with that shorty on the dance floor”, is two dudes making some silly party music really the worst thing ever?

Don’t answer that question. It really doesn’t matter because frankly, 3OH!3 are walking on streets of gold (see what I did there?). What started off as a white suburban version of Spank Rock became something far more extreme. Every Warped Tour they go on, their fanbase of scene kids, ironic hipsters, biddies and kids who just love to dance gets bigger and more dedicated. It all peaked at the 2009 Warped, in the midst of “Don’t Trust Me” going Top 40; I was there, in a sea of neon and stutter shades. The band’s gang signs were up with pride as the crowd from one end to the other sang and danced in unison. It was ridiculous. It was silly. But it was awesome. Why? Well…

I was never really able to explain my admiration for 3OH!3 to the haters out there other than that it’s just really fun party music. But even that’s a weird reason, for me at least: I prefer Midtown over Cobra Starship anyday, I roll my eyes whenever someone raves about Jason DeRulo or Ke$ha and my party mix CDs consist of punk-pop, indie rock and alternative rap. I’m not into this whole dance party music scene that’s taking over and yet, I love 3OH!3.

My odd admiration for these dudes became a bit more justifiable once I heard Streets of Gold, their sophomore album. The beats are tighter, the choruses are catchier and the overall sound denounces any argument of how 3OH!3 may fall under the extremely unflattering tag, “crunkcore”. In fact, if you need to compare to their previous album Want, it’s more “Don’t Trust Me” and “Colorado Sunshine” and less “Holla Till You Pass Out” and “Chokechain”. There’s far more singing/sing-talking on the record which gives it some variety from the sing-a-long ready ballads “I’m Not the One” and “Streets of Gold” to the Smash Mouth-esque “I Know How to Say” to the apocalyptic electro-rock “Love 2012” to the poppy summer anthem “WeAre Young”. That being said, there’s still some of the atypical dirty electronic-heavy rap their known for. The hit/miss “House Party” is reminiscent of their early work with a hypnotic beat while “I Can Do Anything” boasts some of the better raps these guys have done.

Like Want, it’s all good harmless fun but this time around, it’s a little less trashy. There’s not as much WTF-inducing phrases and lyrically, it’s a vast improvement from their previous work (which honestly isn’t really saying much). That being said with all it’s improvements, this won’t change any of the naysayers’ minds. Don’t like 3OH!3, this album probably won’t convince you otherwise.

I mean let’s be honest, this isn’t the best album of the year. Heck, it won’t even make my top 10 but it’s a good summer album, a damn good summer album. In fact, many of the tracks on Streets of Gold will most definitely be played on your party playlists for months to come. So for those who even mildly liked their previous stuff, check this out. It’ll make you dance and sing like a fool but you’ll love every second of it. And for those who think 3OH!3 is the worst thing to come out of the music industry, go listen to that pop-punk band in your own form of ecstasy and let the kids dance in peace… oh and let me know when the new Taking Back Sunday album is coming out.

RIYL: Cobra Starship, Family Force 5, The Higher, anything AP.net hates

Best Tracks: “Streets of Gold”, “I Know How to Say”, “WeAre Young”, “I’m Not the One”, “I Can Do Anything”, “Double Vision”