Nerdy Heartbeat

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Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 1:06 am
Tags: , , , ,

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.


 

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Review OR Kanye Haters Imma Let U Finish But- November 11, 2010

Filed under: Review — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 11:11 pm
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If you’re reading this right now, chances are you don’t like Kanye West. There are plenty of reasons to come to this conclusion. Maybe you hate him for ruining Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMAs last year. Maybe you hate him for using a substantial amount of Auto-Tune on 808s and Heartbreak. Maybe you hate him because time and time again, he came off as an egotistical asshole. Or maybe you hate him because you straight up just don’t like the genre.

Regardless, for whatever reason you don’t like Kanye, it ultimately doesn’t matter. Seriously. It doesn’t. You can hate all you want but it won’t change how much impact he’s had on the rap genre in the past decade. Is he batshit insane? Of course. But it’s the crazy people who put out the most noteworthy music (see Brian Wilson, Kurt Cobain etc). His new album proves that. That’s right. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one of the best pop albums released in recent memory and in 10 years will most likely be viewed as a classic of this musical generation. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

The album starts off with a spoken word intro by Ms. Nicki Minaj and then the first sample erupts with a catchy yet otherworldly grandeur. Much like other uses of sampling of Kanye songs, it’s soulful but much is different. The production throughout the whole album (which is flawless by the way) is dreamlike, mysterious and uplifting all at the same time. “Power” combines King Crimson with tribal chants. “Gorgeous” has a psychedelic rock vibe with the help of Kanye’s “Robin”, Kid Cudi. “Hell of A Life” plays with the Black Sabbath “Iron Man” riff while “All of the Lights” (which is an easy contender for SOTY) starts with a tremendously grand horn section that eventually delves face first into a mosh pit of drum machines that turn “bumping and grinding” to spaz attacks. Then the second to last song “Lost in the World” turns a beloved Bon Iver song into a riotous celebration. Tracks jump from orchestral to soulful to heavenly to demonic. It’s musical bipolarity in its purest, catchiest and most refined form.

The rapping is back. Full throttle. There’s still auto tune here and there but when used, it actually works. MBDTF manages to contain the hip hop from Kanye’s first three releases while maintaining the minimalistic and haunting atmosphere of 808s. Plus almost every guest appearance on here is phenomenal. From Rihanna’s chorus on “All of the Lights” to Nicki Minaj’s verse on “Monster” that may possibly cause earthquakes for being too straight up awesome to Jay-Z owning life to Elton Freaking John. Yup.

When it comes down to it, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy reveals Kanye as both a hip-hop savior and a pop-culture burdened monster; a necessary evil for a music scene that’s too busy holding on to auto-tune and dance floor analogies to do something different. And here it is. MBDTF is a pop top 40-centric album that can be safely labeled as unique. Last time such a statement could be said was back in 03 with Outkast’s Speakerboxx/The Love Below. Will this album save the top 40 scene from mediocrity? Only time will tell. But one thing for certain is that you may hate Kanye West (and you probably will) but one thing is for certain. While there may be a lot wrong with him, he does know how to make pop music like no one else right now.
This is easily one of the most interesting and noteworthy pop albums in a damn damn damn long time. All coming from “the biggest asshole ever”.

Your move 50 Cent.

 

RIYL: being mean to Taylor Swift, calling presidents racist, gayfish

 

The Many Mysteries in the Land of Jersey Shore September 15, 2010

Filed under: Prepare to Cry — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 8:43 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I think at this point it’s safe to say I hate the cast (I’ll just refer to them as bro 1-4 and biddy 1-4 as of now) of the epic tale that is refered to as Jersey Shore. Last year we were introduced to this fantastical realm of formidable possibly rhoid-rage fueled warriors,

psychopathic cockblocking witches (that for some reason I find kinda hot),

and… I honestly don’t know what race or class this falls under… what was Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Cause it’s probably that.

Jersey Shore is ultimately that out of control, possibly schizophrenic, drugged out his/her mind kid that was on your dorm floor freshman year. Sure (s)he was annoying as hell but he provided a copious amount of hilarity for you and your friends. You watched his/her drunken antics (from afar) laughing all the way. (S)He was so stupid it was hilarious, you loved it… yeah well now it’s sophomore year. And (s)he’s on your floor again. Now you’re just plain sick of him/her. The embarrassing drunken antics got old and now instead of a means of schadenfreude you just see a scumbag. And to make matters worse, he mostly just spends his time complaining about his on again/off again lover.

But I digress, this isn’t about the lack of quality of the show (quality is void in the realm of The Shore), this is about it’s endless stream of interest despite the fact that it documents the life of the trashiest people God had the accident of creating. Ultimately, the show has more mysteries than Lost. Many of them just started as hilarious “what if” scenarios but as I investigated further and noticed certain details: there is far more to Jersey Shore than fist pumps and avoiding “grenades”. So I have (as any professional Shoreologist would) studied certain elements of each episode mainly of this season, to point out the mysteries that have crossed my eye.

JWOWW: Boy or Steroid Taking Boy?

So there’s the obvious stabs at her appearance: the grotesquely fake breasts, her Andre the Giant physique, her voice that sounds like a cross-breed of horny old man and Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, but all those elements proved one thing and one thing only. JWoww is fucking terrifying by description. But it was during the second episode this season where things got hazy. In this episode JWoww drives Sammi and Snooki to a adult shop to find sexy club clothes but this wasn’t just any sex shop; this was a tranny sex shop. Now like I said before this is the second episode and as you all know they’re in Miami this season; so obviously they’ve been in Miami for only a few days. So riddle me this Batman: how the hell does JWoww know exactly where the tranny shop is in a city she’s never visited until now and just started living in for a couple of days? Unless… no. That’s ridiculous. Until she says this: “The sex shop is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. It’s my scene. And when I get into my scene I get into my clothes.” Wait… what? Did she just refer to the tranny sex shop as “her scene”? Christ not even Tobias Funke would give such obvious hints to the secrets of his sexuality. Although if JWoww really is a transvestite and therefore a dude, it would explain a lot. I mean the fact that she can’t have a mature argument with someone without threatening to murder them might just be her testosterone going out of control. It even explains her name. But their not saying “wow” because they think (s)he’s hot. It’s a “Wow, that’s one impressive drag queen!” or “Wow, he thinks he’s passing as a girl?” Of course, if all of this is true. Then this means DJ Pauly D hooked up with a dude… which is hilarious in it’s own right.

Is Vinny A Spy?

There is quite a difference between 1st Season Vinny and 2nd Season Vinny. 1st Season is profoundly down-to-earth and kinda mocks everyone on the show when they do something mockable. He is usually dubbed as “the smart one (?)”. In season 2 he joined MVP, aka Mike, Vinny and Pauly, aaka Most Valuable Playas (no really) and quickly joined the “Let’s Bang as Much Club Rats as Possible Guild” (I’m just gonna call it that for now since my whole motif for this is “Jersey Shore is the most fucked up RPG universe I’ve ever associated myself with”). Did Vinny become a douchebag? Not necessarily (at least in my head). First off, let’s face it. DJ Pauly D probably, at one point in his life, accidentally banged an underage chick. I mean the guy is almost 30, repeat almost 30 and his method for picking up girls is something that I, a 21 year old, find embarrassing and juvenile. Somewhere in Pauly’s escapades of hitting clubs, bumping and grinding on biddies and subsequently taking a girl home, some high school chick at her after prom party may have slipped in there. Therefore, Vinny was asked by concerned parents/the po po/anyone else to join the MVP Guild to keep an eye on Pauly and make sure he wasn’t boning anymore jailbait. The mission was successful. Pauly surprisingly became a lot less creepy and a lot nicer in recent episodes. No really. It almost makes up for that horrid Beat dat Beat Up song.

…almost. So Pauly started to grow up meaning that Vinny can go back to his sane, somewhat classy ways. Vinny planed to go on a double date with Pauly and his main squeeze by asking out some dancer he was in love with. Things didn’t go out as well. So while the four psycho girls in the house walk over their boy-toys, Vinny gets rejected and is stuck boning Angelina and Snooki.

Poor, poor Vinny.

Is The Situation a Personality Werewolf?

Oh The Situation. You really want to punch him in the face but you just can’t help but like the smug bastard… or at least envy him because he makes more money than you and all he does is get drunk, have sex and make some delicious looking food. But there’s something odd about him: one moment he tries to keep the peace through all the drama, gives fairly sage advice but then once he’s out at the club he acts like a class A douchebag. I mean at day he comforts Sammi’s and Snooki’s endless heartbreaks and then at night he’s calling girls zoo animals because they have like a slight muffin-top and aren’t Megan Fox hot.

Poor girl must be going through years of therapy

Wait a second… kinda nice guy at day, douchebag at night? Yup. The Situation is a were-bro. I mean that or he’s just a massive hypocrite. I guess we’ll never know and honestly what does it matter? He still makes more money than all of us… just a heads up dude, you should probably give some of that money to all the girls you drove to bulimia. It’s only fair.

Is Snooki the Most Despicable Human Being Creature Thing?

Okay. Let’s go down the list. She looks what would happen if one of those Orc things from Middle Earth got a spray on tan. As we all know, dude law states that bitchiness can only be acceptable if the girl is attractive. Which makes this thing even more detestable because in almost every episode she acts like a complete bitch and then plays the victim more than anyone on Fox News combined (and Fox News loves playing the victim). For example, recently it, Jwoww and Angelina (being a slight part of the initial conversation) wrote a note telling Sammi that Ronnie cheated on her. When everyone found out, Snooki (like a 5 year old discovering their parents found out they pooped the bed) shrieks like a high school scene band that Angelina was a wrote it too. But wait there’s more, when Angelina decides to admit she talked smack about Snooki, it makes a scene in a public place about how Angelina is finally owning up to stuff in a histrionic frenzy that would make Ms. Piggy roll her eyes. Jesus, during a fun game of toss the beach ball Snooki misses the ball and it lightly taps her, everyone laughs lightheartfully. Guess what happens? She convicts Angelina of hitting her on purpose and chucks a flip flop at her in the middle of a family party. You can say but oh it’s young but that’s not a good enough excuse. College girls don’t act like this, high school girls don’t act like this, most kids in middle school nay elementary school even don’t act like this. This thing is every annoying attention-grabbing person on facebook; every stupid fan page and status update, morphed into one giant undeveloped histrionic spitball of neurosis previously unseen in mainstream society. Sure Angelina and Sammi are psychotic and all but at least they have some concept of reality, even if that reality is a profoundly warped self-centered one, they still know how the world works. This thing doesn’t even know there is a world beyond her and her need for juiceheads. And I know some of you are saying, “Well at least it’s easy” but it’s not even that. It may dress in clothes never used outside of strip club and porn shoots but she almost never puts out. That’s right. Snooki every negative aspect about a typical skank without the one slightly positive attribute to society. Oh and did we mention that Snooki is dumb? Like insanely dumb? Like so dumb, it almost feels mean to make fun of her dumb? But no, there has to be something positive about it right? Some kind of attribute that gives her some sense of humanity. There has to be. Oh wait, an article in New York Times about Snooki has it willingly stating that the only two books it read are Dear John and Twilight. Okay. Nevermind. Case closed. Snooki is the most despicable non-murdering thing to ever exist on this life-giving Earth.

That’s it. I’m done. Writing this article isn’t fun anymore.

 

Scott Pilgrim VS. The World Review: Every Video Game Movie Before This Can Eat It August 16, 2010


One could say that the Scott Pilgrim series is my own Harry Potter or Twilight. It’s a book (well in this case comic book) series that I loved from the beginning. Read over and over again, waiting in grand anticipation for the next volume to be released. It essentially compiled all of my favorite things ever: comics, video games, indie rock, kung-fu, ninjas, hot chicks… you get the idea. All things labeled as epic and/or awesome was compiled in this 6 volume series. It was every geek’s most glorious fantasy compiled with eccentric humor and plenty of stylish grandeur.

So obviously, I was very excited that a Scott Pilgrim film adaptation was in the works. I was then even more excited that Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) would direct it. Then I discovered that Michael Cera would star, which made me suspicious. I mean every role prior to Scott Pilgrim, he was basically a variation of George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development. After all Scott Pilgrim as a character isn’t awkward, he’s just a goofball and an idiot. At first, I was worried if Michael Cera wouldn’t know the difference playing this role. Majority naysayers of the film are naysaying because of their dislike for how “Michael Cera basically only plays himself” (because we’ve all obviously met Cera personally and known him long enough to know what he’s like when he’s “himself”). All that being said, this is Cera actually playing a character, even if that character is ultimately a less awkward, much more animated and silly version of “himself” (whatever that even means).

But enough about Cera, he isn’t the star of the film, Edgar Wright is. Shaun of the Dead was a parody/tribute of the zombie genre and Hot Fuzz did the same for action/buddy cop flicks. This time around Edgar Wright does the treatment for video games and hipster/indie culture, saluting, mocking and celebrating these generational quirks in colorful, over-the-top and remarkably stylish beauty. Such visuals singlehandedly prove you don’t need 3D gimmicks to wow your audience. Even during the two or three awkward atypical Cera moments, you won’t mind it with the visual pizazz Wright throws at you at every turn. Along with Sin City, Scott Pilgrim is one of the few times a film adaptation has truly captured the aesthetic and atmosphere of the source material.

Scott Pilgrim VS. The World, based on the 6 volume Canadian comic book series, tells the chaotic tale of Scott Pilgrim: 23, bassist of local band Sex Bob-omb, irresponsible and lacking of any common sense but ultimately means well (sort of). His life is turned on its head upon meeting Ramona Flowers, a mysterious American who recently moved to Toronto to “escape”. The two hit it off and it isn’t long until Scott learns he has to defeat her seven evil exs. Complete and utter chaos ensues.

Each fight scene is choreographed with so much finesse and energy while incorporating video game elements in surreal and absurd proportions (enemies turn into coins upon defeat, characters “level up”, “extra lives” randomly show up). The film also has endless references to gaming classics like The Legend of Zelda and the Street Fighter series. In one moment, one of the exes breaks out into a Bollywood-inspired song with the help of his demon hipster girls. It’s total madness. In essence, this is the best video game movie ever made. You almost want Wright to go back and re-do every adaptation that was done wrong (Dragonball Evoluton, Street Fighter: The Movie, House of the Dead, Speed Racer etc.). Everything about it is the pure definition of epic, from the jaw-dropping visuals and fight scenes to the catchy 8-bit inspired score done by Nigel Godrich (Radiohead’s producer).

Now a movie that lasts under 2 hours while trying to cover a 6 volume long story-arc, it’s going to be as faithful as it possibly can. That being said, for the sake of the pacing, a lot of the less action-packed moments in the books are removed which results in plenty of omissions: Kim Pine has a less of an important role, a few of the evil exs get less screen time and some minor characters (Lisa Miller and Joseph) are completely removed. Sure some of this was disappointing to me but it was expected. If the film included everything from the books the pacing would be absolutely horrible at times. Besides, if I want the complete Scott Pilgrim experience, I’d just read the comics.

Ultimately, as an adaptation, it could’ve been better but as a movie it’s near perfect. It’s a fun, energetic tribute to the video game world juxtaposed with the chaos of being in a new, confusing relationship. Obviously a lot of people won’t be into it; it’s a certain style that a lot of people will either love or hate. And some will dislike for a lot of reasons whether their disassociation with anything hipster or indie or they don’t take video games seriously or they just straight up don’t like Michael Cera as an actor. That being said, if you were so much as mildly interested in seeing this, you’ll walk out of the theater with a huge smile on your face thinking it was one of the best films of the summer. Because honestly, it so is.

RIYL: video games, kung-fu, color, comics, Canadians, nerdy things, Edgar Wright’s other movies, laughing, smiling, any other emotion that evokes happiness, seriously kids go see this

 

Nerdy Heartbeat’s Worst Songs of 2010 (So Far) August 11, 2010

DJ Pauly D – Beat Dat Beat (It’s Time To)

Hot Chelle Rae – Bleed

Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag

Millionaires – Off Like A Prom Dress

Mann + Jason DeRulo – Text

Fight Fair – SexyFancyMoney

Waking the Cadaver – Reign Supreme

Usher – OMG

Buckcherry – All Night Long

We Are Defiance + Tom Denny – Airplanes Cover

Against Me! – I Was A Teenage Anarchist

Attack Attack! – Fumbles O’Brian

Disturbed – Another Way To Die

Jason DeRulo – Ridin’ Solo

Ke$ha – Take It Off

Never Shout Never – I Love You 5

Limp Bizkit – Why Try?

Cali Swag District – Teach Me How to Dougie

Cody Simpson + Flo Rida – iYiYiYiY

Plies + Trey Songz – Kitty Kitty

 

Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.

 

Nerdy Heartbeat’s Best Songs of 2010 (so far) August 9, 2010

Sleigh Bells – Crown on the Ground

Foxy Shazam – Oh Lord

Drake – The Resistance

Arcade Fire – Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

The Wonder Years – Washington Square Park

Motion City Soundtrack – A Lifeless Ordinary (Need a Little Help)

Against Me! – Because of the Shame

Janelle Monae – Cold War

Kanye West – Power

The Gaslight Anthem – Orphans

Four Year Strong – Find My Way Back

The Morning Of – The Ones That Fall Apart

The Maine – Inside of You

The Rocket Summer – Of Men and Angels

LCD Soundsystem – You Wanted A Hit

B.o.B + Hayley Williams – Airplanes

Los Campesinos! – This is A Flag. There Is No Wind.

3OH!3 – Streets of Gold

Mc Chris – Smackababy

Coheed and Cambria – Far

Nicki Minaj (feat Sean Garrett) – Massive Attack

Frightened Rabbit – Nothing Like You

Portugal. The Man – 1000 Years

Minus the Bear – My Time

M.I.A. – Steppin Up

Youtube them. Download them. Buy their albums. Buy their merch. Go to their concerts and their support their music!

 

 
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