It’s been a crazy year: 2009. With 2010 on the horizon let’s look back at the good times (and not so good times) of 2009. We’ll start off this segment with the 10 worst songs of 2009.
Last year “blessed” us with the unwelcome return of truly awful post-grunge and the hard rock. New albums by Nickelback and Buckcherry made us cringe while newcomers like Theory of A Deadman and Saving Abel brought us to our knees begging for mercy. 2009 was the year electronica and rap got its share of beatings with gastly synth-pop top 40 hits, overused auto-tune and little sign of music apocalypse called “crunk-core”. These are the songs that hurt our eardrums and made bands like Nickelback seem tolerable. These are the worst songs of 2009. The following consisted of hours of research and the result of Nerdy Heartbeat on the floor in the fetal position, crying endlessly.
10. Party In Your Bedroom by Cash Cash
The chorus features some guy wearing an insane amount of neon singing with auto-tune, “There’s a party in your bedroom”. Add a disco vibe and I’m pretty sure the suck speaks for itself.
9. Shots by LMFAO
I love 3OH!3. Not because they’re good but because make extremely fun, tongue-in-cheek, catchy music and know it. They know they’re music isn’t meant to be taken seriously and ultimately just want to party and have fun. LMFAO takes that ideology a bit too far; tongue-in-cheek party attitude can wear its welcome and it does quickly with “Shots”. It’s ridiculous and they know it but it’s too the point where they’re just trying way to hard to be silly. Plus, if you use the phrase “panties hit the ground”, you just have to be on this list. Sorry guys.
8. Birthday Sex by Jeremih
GURL YOU KNOW I- I- I- I- BURFDAY SEX! That’s all you need to know.
7. I Love College by Asher Roth
WOAH! This guy is rapping about beer pong? I play beer pong all the time! This guy is rapping about drinking beer and having sex with sorority girls? I drink beer all the time and wish I could have sex with sorority girls! This song is so relatable! It’s the song that blew every college kid’s mind because “IT TOTALLY REFLECTS MY TIME AT COLLEGE RIGHT NOW”. Yeah? Well sorry bros but the song still sucks.
6. Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea
Hey. You know what I’ve never heard before? A sassy young pop princess who is just sick of her boyfriend’s BS and just needs to let him know that’s she’s over him through song. Yeah that’s right. In this day and age, (in case you didn’t know) a woman doesn’t need a man by her side. Is there like some kind of law somewhere that before you become the next big pop act you need to sing a song about how you don’t need your boyfriend anymore? Cause I feel like we get 20 of these songs a year and they all sound the same. Oh wait but she’s different: SHE CAN PLAY GUITAR!! I mean seriously is this whole “my boyfriend doesn’t care” thing really that much of a problem in American society? We get it. You’re an independent woman, you’re man doesn’t appreciate you, you deserve better blah blah blah. Just shut the hell up and break up with him already… or go gay which ever one works better.
5. Everything on Brokencyde’s I’m Not A Fan But The Kid’s Like It
I think we all knew Brokencyde, the kings of “crunkcore” were gonna wind up on this list. But what number? And what song? Well since all Brokencyde songs are pretty much the same with the awkward screaming about getting drunk and banging some girl in a club to horrible crunk beats I thought, why not the whole album? The only reason this is so high is because this band is so bad you can’t help but just laugh at it; that and no one except 14 year old scene kids actually takes this seriously.
4. Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid by Millionaires
For years, I’ve wondered why domestic violence and other horrible things exist. Now I know…
RIYL: Jeffree Star, getting every STD imaginable, being God’s mistake
3. Hotel Room Service by Pitbull
Pitbull’s first hit this year (see I Know You Want Me) was horrible but it was saved by a nice house hook. This on the other hand not only has a horrible beat but Pitbull’s voice is even worse than ever (if that’s possible). But we haven’t even touched the bad from this song yet. For starters it rips off some unbelievable rap tunes (TI’s Whatever You Like, Jay-Z’s I Just Wanna Love U) that Pitbull pretty much wishes he could sing. Lastly, the lyrics sound like they came from some awkward closet virgin frat boy’s wet dream. When it’s played at the club, all the “players” howl the song like it’s their anthem, “YOU GOIN UNDRESS ME”. Then hit the floor looking for girls cause they know this is the song that will get them laid (It doesn’t). Perhaps they like all the dirty imagery to pump them up in some sort of pathetic defense mechanism that they MIGHT get laid or maybe they just like it cause they enjoy crappy music. NOTE: Enjoy the video above because this will NEVER happen to you.
RIYL: Flo Rida, tone def singing, not getting laid, awkwardly grinding your junk against some girl’s butt unknowingly going nowhere with her, YO BRO THIS SONG GETS DEM PANTIES DROPPIN
2. Tik Tok by Ke$ha
“Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy”. And soooo it begins…. The epic journey of a skanky club rat ready for another day of clubbing it up as if the life of a club rat should ACTUALLY be celebrated through song (or whatever this is). The sound is Lady Gaga getting every STD imaginable from the Millionaires, resulting in an annoying valley girl sound pseduo-rap with phenomenal lyrics like: “Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger but we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. Im talking about – everybody getting crunk, boys trying to touch my junk, junk gonna smack him if he getting too drunk.” I’m no feminist but somewhere Susan B. Anthony is rolling around in her grave like crazy. The mildly catchy chorus (or catchy by default) prevents it from being number 1.
RIYL: Millionaires, clubbing, being a skank, feeling like P Diddy
1. Booty Dew by GS Boyz
We can give the obvious reason why this song is number one by saying its basically THE SAME SONG the GS Boyz released last year (see Stanky Legg) which in itself gives it the dubious honor but frankly there is just so much more that makes this song the worst of 09. After giving four whole minutes to explain how to do the “Booty Dew” I still have no idea what this dance is. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny irish white boy from Long Island OR maybe it’s because it’s four minutes of five horribly amateur rappers screaming over each other. The choruses consist of them just howling catchphrases and the verses make absolutely no sense. What is a booty dew anyway? Cause if it’s the dew that comes off of a rear end, then that doesn’t sound appealing at all. And I don’t even want to talk about “Obama’s” appearance in the video. I want to say these guys will fall off the face of the earth come 2010 but we said the same thing about Soulja Boy.
RIYL: Soulja Boy, Hurricane Chris, horrible dances, making black people look bad, DO THA STANKY LEGGGGGGGG
Ice Cream Paint Job by Dorrough
You’re A Jerk by New Boyz
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus
Goodbye by Kristinia DeBarge
Hawkbot by Forever the Sickest Kids
Fire Burning by Sean Kingston