Nerdy Heartbeat

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Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 1:06 am
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Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.


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My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Review OR Kanye Haters Imma Let U Finish But- November 11, 2010

Filed under: Review — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 11:11 pm
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If you’re reading this right now, chances are you don’t like Kanye West. There are plenty of reasons to come to this conclusion. Maybe you hate him for ruining Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMAs last year. Maybe you hate him for using a substantial amount of Auto-Tune on 808s and Heartbreak. Maybe you hate him because time and time again, he came off as an egotistical asshole. Or maybe you hate him because you straight up just don’t like the genre.

Regardless, for whatever reason you don’t like Kanye, it ultimately doesn’t matter. Seriously. It doesn’t. You can hate all you want but it won’t change how much impact he’s had on the rap genre in the past decade. Is he batshit insane? Of course. But it’s the crazy people who put out the most noteworthy music (see Brian Wilson, Kurt Cobain etc). His new album proves that. That’s right. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one of the best pop albums released in recent memory and in 10 years will most likely be viewed as a classic of this musical generation. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

The album starts off with a spoken word intro by Ms. Nicki Minaj and then the first sample erupts with a catchy yet otherworldly grandeur. Much like other uses of sampling of Kanye songs, it’s soulful but much is different. The production throughout the whole album (which is flawless by the way) is dreamlike, mysterious and uplifting all at the same time. “Power” combines King Crimson with tribal chants. “Gorgeous” has a psychedelic rock vibe with the help of Kanye’s “Robin”, Kid Cudi. “Hell of A Life” plays with the Black Sabbath “Iron Man” riff while “All of the Lights” (which is an easy contender for SOTY) starts with a tremendously grand horn section that eventually delves face first into a mosh pit of drum machines that turn “bumping and grinding” to spaz attacks. Then the second to last song “Lost in the World” turns a beloved Bon Iver song into a riotous celebration. Tracks jump from orchestral to soulful to heavenly to demonic. It’s musical bipolarity in its purest, catchiest and most refined form.

The rapping is back. Full throttle. There’s still auto tune here and there but when used, it actually works. MBDTF manages to contain the hip hop from Kanye’s first three releases while maintaining the minimalistic and haunting atmosphere of 808s. Plus almost every guest appearance on here is phenomenal. From Rihanna’s chorus on “All of the Lights” to Nicki Minaj’s verse on “Monster” that may possibly cause earthquakes for being too straight up awesome to Jay-Z owning life to Elton Freaking John. Yup.

When it comes down to it, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy reveals Kanye as both a hip-hop savior and a pop-culture burdened monster; a necessary evil for a music scene that’s too busy holding on to auto-tune and dance floor analogies to do something different. And here it is. MBDTF is a pop top 40-centric album that can be safely labeled as unique. Last time such a statement could be said was back in 03 with Outkast’s Speakerboxx/The Love Below. Will this album save the top 40 scene from mediocrity? Only time will tell. But one thing for certain is that you may hate Kanye West (and you probably will) but one thing is for certain. While there may be a lot wrong with him, he does know how to make pop music like no one else right now.
This is easily one of the most interesting and noteworthy pop albums in a damn damn damn long time. All coming from “the biggest asshole ever”.

Your move 50 Cent.

 

RIYL: being mean to Taylor Swift, calling presidents racist, gayfish