Nerdy Heartbeat

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Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 1:06 am
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Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.


 

Nerdy Heartbeat’s Worst Songs of 2010 (So Far) August 11, 2010

DJ Pauly D – Beat Dat Beat (It’s Time To)

Hot Chelle Rae – Bleed

Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag

Millionaires – Off Like A Prom Dress

Mann + Jason DeRulo – Text

Fight Fair – SexyFancyMoney

Waking the Cadaver – Reign Supreme

Usher – OMG

Buckcherry – All Night Long

We Are Defiance + Tom Denny – Airplanes Cover

Against Me! – I Was A Teenage Anarchist

Attack Attack! – Fumbles O’Brian

Disturbed – Another Way To Die

Jason DeRulo – Ridin’ Solo

Ke$ha – Take It Off

Never Shout Never – I Love You 5

Limp Bizkit – Why Try?

Cali Swag District – Teach Me How to Dougie

Cody Simpson + Flo Rida – iYiYiYiY

Plies + Trey Songz – Kitty Kitty

 

Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.

 

2010 MTV Movie Awards Review June 7, 2010

Sigh. As many of you know the MTV Movie Awards just ended this year and well… yeah. It’s odd how I can remember when films like Se7en, Pulp Fiction and Scream won and now it’s pretty much favored towards teenage girl-tainment. Sure there were a few good winners but overall it was just just awful. But instead of continuing to rant, I’m going to review every winner with my favorite form of internet based communication:

Animated GIFS.

Biggest Badass Star: Rain from Ninja Assassin

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Best Scared as S*** Performace: Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body (Beating District 9, Zombieland, Paranormal Activity and Drag Me to Hell)

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Best WTF! Moment: Naked Trunk Surprise from The Hangover

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Best Fight: Ali Larter and Beyonce from Obsessed

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Best Kiss: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson from New Moon

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Best Comedic Performance: Zack Galafanakis from The Hangover

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Best Villain: Tom Felton from Harry Potter

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Breakthrough Performance: Anna Kendrick from Up in the Air

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Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart from New Moon

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Best Male Performance:Robert Pattinson from New Moon

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MTV Generation Award:Sandra Bullock


Global Superstar: Robert Pattinson

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Best Movie: New Moon

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Interpret any of these as you will but ultimately, with the exception of a select few, this isn’t even a mediocre representation of the “best of” 2009 American movies even ones catered to our youth. If I would this Movie Awards a full review it would be this (ironically from one of the best films of 09):

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2009: It’s Been Real December 31, 2009

Happy New Year everybody… and let’s all hope 2010 is a little less obnoxious.

 

Oh Jesus No. October 1, 2009

Just when you thought the [insert genre here] movie films were over…

 

THIS BETTER BE A RUMOR! August 27, 2009

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 12:32 am
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Megan Fox cannot be Catwoman.

fox_megan_rose_boy

Not even Michael Bay likes her!