Happy New Year everybody… and let’s all hope 2010 is a little less obnoxious.
Nerdy Heartbeat’s 09 Recap – The Embarrassing Success of Transformers and New Moon December 10, 2009
WARNING: The following blog is extremely bitchy and features a pretentious college student endlessly ranting about two movies he loathes deeply. Just to clarify I will not look down on you if you do like either of these films and state your opinion in a respectful manner. After all debating is the heart and soul of internet blogging. Finally, I promise that after this blog I will NEVER complain about Transformers or the Twilight Saga EVER again (maybe).
2009 was a fantastic year for movies. Films like District 9, (500) Days of Summer, Paper Heart and Where The Wild Things Are are just a few of this year’s best. Too bad you didn’t see any of them. I mean who can blame you? Aliens as a metaphor for genocide? Awkward, homely teenagers making a “documentary” about love? CGI creatures having dysfunctional problems instead of making fart jokes? …A woman breaking a man’s heart? These ideas just seem dumb, catered for those emo-hipster kids out there with their Fall Out Guys and Radiofaces. I just want entertainment. And frankly there is nothing more entertaining than A) Random explosions, racist robots and over-the-top hot girl eye candy to the sounds of horrible pseduo-alternative rock or B) Two shirtless guys awkwardly fighting over a depressive biopolar ****tease of a drama queen.
These were the movies we Americans spent millions of dollars on this year rather than films that were both entertaining and intellectually rewarding. But don’t cry for the District 9s or (500) Days of Summers. No. Cry for the audiences and die-hard fans of Transformers and New Moon. They’re killing mainstream American filmmaking and don’t even care. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just lost touch with the mainstream film. Maybe I’m simply overreacting that my favorite films didn’t get the attention they deserved. After all, lazy filmmaking have existed since the beginning of the Blockbuster in the mid-70s when production companies realized that visual effects can mask any of the film’s flaws. Movies like this will always exist whether I like it or not. I don’t expect this blog to change anyone’s opinions cause it won’t. Twilight fans will always love Twilight. Transformers fans will always love Transformers. There’s nothing wrong with that. This is just an over-the-top story of a confused film buff, wondering if nonsensical explosions and hot guys whetting the romantic appetite of awkward tweens is what our generation of film goers really want to spend 8+ dollars on. So let’s get this trainwreck of a rant a rolling.
400 Million Gone To Shia Lebouf and Robots Trying to Save The World… or Something
When you think about it, the Transformers movies are some genius metaphor. Think about it. This, along with Nascar and MTV, represents everything morally and intellectually wrong with our society. It’s like Michael Bay might be revealing our cultural shortcomings through explosions… might be. Revenge of the Fallen has it all: racism, immature humor, caring about sexuality and violence over things that actually matter, this movie has it all. I’ve always tolerated Michael Bay. Sure his movies suck and they usually put me to sleep cause of their profound boredom, however, there’s always a scene in each film that intrigues me and makes the movie much less horrible. For example, while 75% of Pearl Harbor was a chore to watch, the action scene was fantastic. Even Bad Boys II which I consider one of the worst films ever had an awesome chase scene. So, what was the money shot for Transformers 2? Well… there’s this one part in the beginning where a Autobot does a backflip while cutting a Decepicon in half and then says to himself, “Damn, I’m good.” Those 30 seconds were pretty awesome because it was probably the only time (thanks to slo-mo) that you can tell who’s blowing up who in this movie. Yeah there’s a lot of action. But there’s so much and it’s all so compressed that eventually, it doesn’t really mean anything.
There’s so much cliched Bayism related atrocity in this film. It takes everything you hated about other Bay films and amplifies it. Remember the 5 minute joke of rats doing it in Bad Boys II? Well in T2, there’s a 10 minute joke with dogs doing it while Shia’s parents make “really funny” comments about sex. You know how every Bay movie has an overload of hot chicks? Well in this movie, Shia goes to a college that is populated ENTIRELY of hot chicks. Seriously? Not one ugly chick or even average looking chick? They’re all hot? Is the freshmen 15 or eating yourself out of depression nonexistent in this school? Now Michael Bay is not only a bad director but he’s a straight up liar. Remember how stereotyped Jazz was in the first Transformers movie? Well T2 has TWO stereotypical robots, Mudflap and Skids, that are far more racist.
I mean the fact that there’s this much low-brow stereotyping in a mainstream American film in 2009 is flat out embarrassing. Sure this probably wasn’t intentional. I doubt George Lucas sought out to offend Jamaicans and Asians and Jews in Phantom Menace but still… no one at Dreamworks thought this would be offensive?
The rest of the film is filled with a plot that only arises an hour into the movie, robots with genitals, jokes about said robots with genitals, slo-mo shots of Megan Fox in sexy poses and the human actors trying to act. Oh yeah and there’s a Decepticon that turns into a dog and another that turns into a hot chick.
All in the name of entertainment.
When Awkward Sexual Fantasies Becomes A Cultural Phenomenon…
I think I knew Bella Swan in high school. Actually, I think we all knew Bella Swan in high school. She was the crazy girl who thought her life was a complete tragedy despite the fact that so many people care about her. She is the Holden Caulfield of modern literature (if you even consider these books literature). But Holden complained about being surrounding by a culture that he didn’t connect with; a world of “phonies” as he called it. He had an existential crisis which while annoying on paper, we do relate to him. Bella Swan is just as crazy and even more annoying but what’s her poison? What causes her emotional and mental downfall? Well, she’s just having a hissy fit because her vampire boyfriend won’t love her forever.
This is why I hate this “franchise”. It’s enveloping a melodramatic abortion of a plot that’s living proof why many people think are generation is mentally fractured. I read excerpts of the book and I’ve seen this before, all over the internet. It’s a longwinded livejournal entry but Meyer just replaces every time they say “boyfriend” with the word “vampire” or “werewolf”. It’s a socially awkward high school whinefest and it’s the biggest “saga” of our generation. Awesome.
Then there’s the movies. All of the aspects that make a film noteworthy (acting, superb dialog, intriguing plot, profound themes, deep mythology, even eye-scorching visuals) are completely removed. The ONLY reason New Moon and it’s predecessor Twilight are popular is because 1) It stars two hot guys and 2) It caters to awkward romantically-challenged tweens. That’s why I hate these movies. That’s why I complain about them as much as I do. I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m going into a field where the only thing that matters now is providing fodder for teenage girls that are so riled in pop culture, they’re delusional and have no concept between what’s real and what’s fantasy. It’s embarrassing.
But I know what you’re thinking. “If this film had hot girls you’d have no problem with it. Guys objectify girls with porn all the time.” I guess you’re right. I mean what do I know, I’m a man. I’m emotionally crippled, I only care about sports and porn, I think with my penis 100 percent of the time and I’m very, very stupid…
But I guess I would enjoy female nudity in a movie but that doesn’t make that movie better by any standards. Zombie Strippers was 75% naked women and I still hated it. And I don’t mean to put sexism into this but if guys across America were flocking to see a movie where a man was seduced by busty vampires and werewolves: you’d all think it’s perverted.
Which comes to my next point, one that makes the Twilight craze understandable. Twilight, in a way, is girl porn; it provides romantic fantasies the same way pornographic films do. Many girls, at least the mature, sane ones, who watch/read Twilight know it’s not necessarily good by traditional standards but they find it entertaining and romantically interesting. For the most part, girls will like any romantic movie. And this I have no problem with. There are plenty of films that I know are bad but still enjoy because they give me what I want: action/gore/some form of zombies. Same goes with girls who watch New Moon but instead of action they get romance.
This is where I defend the fanbase against people who go out of their way to bash and insult the fans. It’s too far. The worst I did was when I saw The Blind Side a few weeks ago, a girl seeing New Moon walked past and said, “I’m gonna scream so loud when Jacob comes in”. I light-heartedly mocked, “OMG me too.” She looked at me and laughed. I laughed back and gave each other a look of “let’s agree to disagree”. That’s the worst I’ve EVER done to a Twilight fan because I can never make fun of someone’s hobbies (I’m a 20 year old who still plays Pokemon). So when some guy pretentiously tells people before a fake screening that you’re a loser if you like this movie, you’re embarrassing yourself. Sure I hate this movie but I would NEVER make someone feel bad because they like something I don’t. My girlfriend likes Twilight and sure I tease her now and then but in a joking *nudge nudge* kind of way. Her liking the books/movie never interfered with our relationship because while I may be an elitist, I’m not a douchebag.
However, the point where the Twilight love gets out of hand (again) is when the fanbase considers this to be a valuable movie/book franchise; a saga. If Twilight is in a way considered “girl porn”, then any attempts of calling it a saga are laughable. I doubt even the most socially inept porn addict would consider the Busty MILF series a saga. I love bad/entertaining movies but I would never even think that a Sci-Fi Channel movie deserves Best Picture for MTV Movie Awards or People Choice Awards, especially since there are other titles that deserve the title of Best Picture far more.
But let’s face it. This franchise isn’t going anywhere, no matter how much I complain. So, I’ll enjoy my comic books and video games. The awkward men can enjoy their porn collection and the awkward girls can enjoy their sparkly vampires.
So now that I got that out of the way, I will never complain about this series ever again… well maybe until Eclipse comes out.
Nerdy Heartbeat’s 2009 Recap- The Bottom 10 Worst Songs of 2009 November 24, 2009
It’s been a crazy year: 2009. With 2010 on the horizon let’s look back at the good times (and not so good times) of 2009. We’ll start off this segment with the 10 worst songs of 2009.
Last year “blessed” us with the unwelcome return of truly awful post-grunge and the hard rock. New albums by Nickelback and Buckcherry made us cringe while newcomers like Theory of A Deadman and Saving Abel brought us to our knees begging for mercy. 2009 was the year electronica and rap got its share of beatings with gastly synth-pop top 40 hits, overused auto-tune and little sign of music apocalypse called “crunk-core”. These are the songs that hurt our eardrums and made bands like Nickelback seem tolerable. These are the worst songs of 2009. The following consisted of hours of research and the result of Nerdy Heartbeat on the floor in the fetal position, crying endlessly.
10. Party In Your Bedroom by Cash Cash
The chorus features some guy wearing an insane amount of neon singing with auto-tune, “There’s a party in your bedroom”. Add a disco vibe and I’m pretty sure the suck speaks for itself.
9. Shots by LMFAO
I love 3OH!3. Not because they’re good but because make extremely fun, tongue-in-cheek, catchy music and know it. They know they’re music isn’t meant to be taken seriously and ultimately just want to party and have fun. LMFAO takes that ideology a bit too far; tongue-in-cheek party attitude can wear its welcome and it does quickly with “Shots”. It’s ridiculous and they know it but it’s too the point where they’re just trying way to hard to be silly. Plus, if you use the phrase “panties hit the ground”, you just have to be on this list. Sorry guys.
8. Birthday Sex by Jeremih
GURL YOU KNOW I- I- I- I- BURFDAY SEX! That’s all you need to know.
7. I Love College by Asher Roth
WOAH! This guy is rapping about beer pong? I play beer pong all the time! This guy is rapping about drinking beer and having sex with sorority girls? I drink beer all the time and wish I could have sex with sorority girls! This song is so relatable! It’s the song that blew every college kid’s mind because “IT TOTALLY REFLECTS MY TIME AT COLLEGE RIGHT NOW”. Yeah? Well sorry bros but the song still sucks.
6. Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea
Hey. You know what I’ve never heard before? A sassy young pop princess who is just sick of her boyfriend’s BS and just needs to let him know that’s she’s over him through song. Yeah that’s right. In this day and age, (in case you didn’t know) a woman doesn’t need a man by her side. Is there like some kind of law somewhere that before you become the next big pop act you need to sing a song about how you don’t need your boyfriend anymore? Cause I feel like we get 20 of these songs a year and they all sound the same. Oh wait but she’s different: SHE CAN PLAY GUITAR!! I mean seriously is this whole “my boyfriend doesn’t care” thing really that much of a problem in American society? We get it. You’re an independent woman, you’re man doesn’t appreciate you, you deserve better blah blah blah. Just shut the hell up and break up with him already… or go gay which ever one works better.
5. Everything on Brokencyde’s I’m Not A Fan But The Kid’s Like It
I think we all knew Brokencyde, the kings of “crunkcore” were gonna wind up on this list. But what number? And what song? Well since all Brokencyde songs are pretty much the same with the awkward screaming about getting drunk and banging some girl in a club to horrible crunk beats I thought, why not the whole album? The only reason this is so high is because this band is so bad you can’t help but just laugh at it; that and no one except 14 year old scene kids actually takes this seriously.
4. Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid by Millionaires
For years, I’ve wondered why domestic violence and other horrible things exist. Now I know…
RIYL: Jeffree Star, getting every STD imaginable, being God’s mistake
3. Hotel Room Service by Pitbull
Pitbull’s first hit this year (see I Know You Want Me) was horrible but it was saved by a nice house hook. This on the other hand not only has a horrible beat but Pitbull’s voice is even worse than ever (if that’s possible). But we haven’t even touched the bad from this song yet. For starters it rips off some unbelievable rap tunes (TI’s Whatever You Like, Jay-Z’s I Just Wanna Love U) that Pitbull pretty much wishes he could sing. Lastly, the lyrics sound like they came from some awkward closet virgin frat boy’s wet dream. When it’s played at the club, all the “players” howl the song like it’s their anthem, “YOU GOIN UNDRESS ME”. Then hit the floor looking for girls cause they know this is the song that will get them laid (It doesn’t). Perhaps they like all the dirty imagery to pump them up in some sort of pathetic defense mechanism that they MIGHT get laid or maybe they just like it cause they enjoy crappy music. NOTE: Enjoy the video above because this will NEVER happen to you.
RIYL: Flo Rida, tone def singing, not getting laid, awkwardly grinding your junk against some girl’s butt unknowingly going nowhere with her, YO BRO THIS SONG GETS DEM PANTIES DROPPIN
2. Tik Tok by Ke$ha
“Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy”. And soooo it begins…. The epic journey of a skanky club rat ready for another day of clubbing it up as if the life of a club rat should ACTUALLY be celebrated through song (or whatever this is). The sound is Lady Gaga getting every STD imaginable from the Millionaires, resulting in an annoying valley girl sound pseduo-rap with phenomenal lyrics like: “Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger but we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. Im talking about – everybody getting crunk, boys trying to touch my junk, junk gonna smack him if he getting too drunk.” I’m no feminist but somewhere Susan B. Anthony is rolling around in her grave like crazy. The mildly catchy chorus (or catchy by default) prevents it from being number 1.
RIYL: Millionaires, clubbing, being a skank, feeling like P Diddy
1. Booty Dew by GS Boyz
We can give the obvious reason why this song is number one by saying its basically THE SAME SONG the GS Boyz released last year (see Stanky Legg) which in itself gives it the dubious honor but frankly there is just so much more that makes this song the worst of 09. After giving four whole minutes to explain how to do the “Booty Dew” I still have no idea what this dance is. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny irish white boy from Long Island OR maybe it’s because it’s four minutes of five horribly amateur rappers screaming over each other. The choruses consist of them just howling catchphrases and the verses make absolutely no sense. What is a booty dew anyway? Cause if it’s the dew that comes off of a rear end, then that doesn’t sound appealing at all. And I don’t even want to talk about “Obama’s” appearance in the video. I want to say these guys will fall off the face of the earth come 2010 but we said the same thing about Soulja Boy.
RIYL: Soulja Boy, Hurricane Chris, horrible dances, making black people look bad, DO THA STANKY LEGGGGGGGG
Ice Cream Paint Job by Dorrough
You’re A Jerk by New Boyz
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus
Goodbye by Kristinia DeBarge
Hawkbot by Forever the Sickest Kids
Fire Burning by Sean Kingston
Role Model: Roman Polanski September 27, 2009
Worst Song/Artist Ever: Phil Phever August 25, 2009
Nerdy Heartbeat’s VMAs: Worst Video Ever Award August 24, 2009
Because 12 16 year olds clearly know about love…
The VMAs are on September 13th… and this work of art is thankfully only nominated for one award.
Vodpod videos no longer available.