Nerdy Heartbeat

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Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 1:06 am
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Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.


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Alice In Wonderland: Classic Tale Becomes “Burtonfied” Whether You Like It Or Not March 15, 2010

Filed under: Review — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 6:53 pm
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Tim Burton is overrated. There I said it. Now I’m not going to lie, the man is definitely an auteur in the filmmaking world and offers visuals that are truly fantastic from an artistic standpoint but that being said I still don’t see how all the pseudo-gothic high school kids worship the ground he walks on. There are much better directors out there. That being said, when I learned Burton was directing an Alice in Wonderland adaptation, I was intrigued. It seems like a project he was made to do. Well does he pull it off? Well yes, to a degree.

This Alice In Wonderland is a sequel to Lewis Carrol’s books, in which Alice is 19 and about to be engaged. Nervous she runs away from her engagement party and once again, falls down the rabbit hole to Wonderland. Since she left, The Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) has the world under her tyrannical control and it’s up to Alice to save the day. Alice, with the help of various allies, must traverse across Wonderland to accept her destiny as the White Queen’s Champion and slay the Jabberwocky.

Before we go into some of the problems with the film let’s just say straight up: Alice in Wonderland is absolutely gorgeous. If you can afford to put in the extra few bucks to see it in 3D, do it. Wonderland truly comes to life through Burton’s vision that is both beautiful, frightening and eccentric. If you need another Avatar-esque fix, look no further. Additionally, there is a great cast here. From the obvious stars, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Anne Hathaway, to more surprising appearances from Alan Rickman and Crispin Glover. Everyone in this cast seems to give there all, even if there isn’t a lot there at times.

In fact seeing this world in jaw-dropping Disney Digital 3D will probably help you overlook some of the issues the film has story and character-wise. It’s pretty obvious that the film, much like the original book and several adaptations, would have a very surreal and idiosyncratic style however, Burton uses his typical embellishments to make the characters and world even more out there. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because you eventually get used to the madness but at first, it’s hard to wrap your head around what’s going on. Burton also attempts to flesh more complex personalities for Carrol’s creations. Sometimes it works, other times not so much. There are even characters, such as The White Queen (Anne Hathaway) who don’t really have that important of a role and just give off the impression of just “being there”.

Overall, this is a very typical Burton experience which is why a lot of people will love it and why others won’t. At times the film even shifts to completely ridiculous where even diehard Burton fans will just not understand, most notably when Mad Hatter spontaneously starts doing a celebratory breakdance.

While this film isn’t perfect however, you’ll tend to forget that when gazing at this world, even if you’re not a fan of Tim Burton. Visually, it’s that impressive. Burton fans will obviously be in heaven but those who aren’t may just want to catch a 3D matinee if they’re curious.

 

Pic Tease: Alice In Wonderland Characters… Now Holding Animals July 15, 2009

Filed under: Pic Tease — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 12:35 am
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Cast of the hotly anticipated Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland are seen posing with animals for some odd reason. Still gorgeous looking nonetheless although the pig Helena Bonham Carter’s holding looks dead. Anyway feast your eyes kids:

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Pic Tease: Alice in Wonderland June 22, 2009

Filed under: Pic Tease — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 10:46 pm
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CAUTION: The following post contains sex for the eyes. You have been warned.

Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp)

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The Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter)

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The White Queen (Anne Hathaway Being Even More Gorgeous Than She Already Is)

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Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Matt Lucas)

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Super Sexy Concept Art:

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…If I could only imagine what the trailer is going to be like. Tim Burton, you are a gentleman and a scholar.
Alice in Wonderland hits theaters on March 5th, 2010 and will most likely blow all of us away.