Nerdy Heartbeat

Movies, Reviews, News, Insanity

Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.


Nerdy Heartbeat’s 09 Recap – The Embarrassing Success of Transformers and New Moon December 10, 2009

WARNING: The following blog is extremely bitchy and features a pretentious college student endlessly ranting about two movies he loathes deeply. Just to clarify I will not look down on you if you do like either of these films and state your opinion in a respectful manner. After all debating is the heart and soul of internet blogging. Finally, I promise that after this blog I will NEVER complain about Transformers or the Twilight Saga EVER again (maybe).

2009 was a fantastic year for movies. Films like District 9, (500) Days of Summer, Paper Heart and Where The Wild Things Are are just a few of this year’s best. Too bad you didn’t see any of them. I mean who can blame you? Aliens as a metaphor for genocide? Awkward, homely teenagers making a “documentary” about love? CGI creatures having dysfunctional problems instead of making fart jokes? …A woman breaking a man’s heart? These ideas just seem dumb, catered for those emo-hipster kids out there with their Fall Out Guys and Radiofaces. I just want entertainment. And frankly there is nothing more entertaining than A) Random explosions, racist robots and over-the-top hot girl eye candy to the sounds of horrible pseduo-alternative rock or B) Two shirtless guys awkwardly fighting over a depressive biopolar ****tease of a drama queen.

These were the movies we Americans spent millions of dollars on this year rather than films that were both entertaining and intellectually rewarding. But don’t cry for the District 9s or (500) Days of Summers. No. Cry for the audiences and die-hard fans of Transformers and New Moon. They’re killing mainstream American filmmaking and don’t even care. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just lost touch with the mainstream film. Maybe I’m simply overreacting that my favorite films didn’t get the attention they deserved. After all, lazy filmmaking have existed since the beginning of the Blockbuster in the mid-70s when production companies realized that visual effects can mask any of the film’s flaws. Movies like this will always exist whether I like it or not. I don’t expect this blog to change anyone’s opinions cause it won’t. Twilight fans will always love Twilight. Transformers fans will always love Transformers. There’s nothing wrong with that. This is just an over-the-top story of a confused film buff, wondering if nonsensical explosions and hot guys whetting the romantic appetite of awkward tweens is what our generation of film goers really want to spend 8+ dollars on. So let’s get this trainwreck of a rant a rolling.

400 Million Gone To Shia Lebouf and Robots Trying to Save The World… or Something

When you think about it, the Transformers movies are some genius metaphor. Think about it. This, along with Nascar and MTV, represents everything morally and intellectually wrong with our society. It’s like Michael Bay might be revealing our cultural shortcomings through explosions… might be. Revenge of the Fallen has it all: racism, immature humor, caring about sexuality and violence over things that actually matter, this movie has it all. I’ve always tolerated Michael Bay. Sure his movies suck and they usually put me to sleep cause of their profound boredom, however, there’s always a scene in each film that intrigues me and makes the movie much less horrible. For example, while 75% of Pearl Harbor was a chore to watch, the action scene was fantastic. Even Bad Boys II which I consider one of the worst films ever had an awesome chase scene. So, what was the money shot for Transformers 2? Well… there’s this one part in the beginning where a Autobot does a backflip while cutting a Decepicon in half and then says to himself, “Damn, I’m good.” Those 30 seconds were pretty awesome because it was probably the only time (thanks to slo-mo) that you can tell who’s blowing up who in this movie. Yeah there’s a lot of action. But there’s so much and it’s all so compressed that eventually, it doesn’t really mean anything.

There’s so much cliched Bayism related atrocity in this film. It takes everything you hated about other Bay films and amplifies it. Remember the 5 minute joke of rats doing it in Bad Boys II? Well in T2, there’s a 10 minute joke  with dogs doing it while Shia’s parents make “really funny” comments about sex. You know how every Bay movie has an overload of hot chicks? Well in this movie, Shia goes to a college that is populated ENTIRELY of hot chicks. Seriously? Not one ugly chick or even average looking chick? They’re all hot? Is the freshmen 15 or eating yourself out of depression nonexistent in this school? Now Michael Bay is not only a bad director but he’s a straight up liar. Remember how stereotyped Jazz was in the first Transformers movie? Well T2 has TWO stereotypical robots, Mudflap and Skids, that are far more racist.

I mean the fact that there’s this much low-brow stereotyping in a mainstream American film in 2009 is flat out embarrassing. Sure this probably wasn’t intentional. I doubt George Lucas sought out to offend Jamaicans and Asians and Jews in Phantom Menace but still… no one at Dreamworks thought this would be offensive?

The rest of the film is filled with a plot that only arises an hour into the movie, robots with genitals, jokes about said robots with genitals, slo-mo shots of Megan Fox in sexy poses and the human actors trying to act. Oh yeah and there’s a Decepticon that turns into a dog and another that turns into a hot chick.

All in the name of entertainment.

When Awkward Sexual Fantasies Becomes A Cultural Phenomenon…

I think I knew Bella Swan in high school. Actually, I think we all knew Bella Swan in high school. She was the crazy girl who thought her life was a complete tragedy despite the fact that so many people care about her. She is the Holden Caulfield of modern literature (if you even consider these books literature). But Holden complained about being surrounding by a culture that he didn’t connect with; a world of “phonies” as he called it. He had an existential crisis which while annoying on paper, we do relate to him. Bella Swan is just as crazy and even more annoying but what’s her poison? What causes her emotional and mental downfall? Well, she’s just having a hissy fit because her vampire boyfriend won’t love her forever.

This is why I hate this “franchise”. It’s enveloping a melodramatic abortion of a plot that’s living proof why many people think are generation is mentally fractured. I read excerpts of the book and I’ve seen this before, all over the internet. It’s a longwinded livejournal entry but Meyer just replaces every time they say “boyfriend” with the word “vampire” or “werewolf”. It’s a socially awkward high school whinefest and it’s the biggest “saga” of our generation. Awesome.

Then there’s the movies. All of the aspects that make a film noteworthy (acting, superb dialog, intriguing plot, profound themes, deep mythology, even eye-scorching visuals) are completely removed. The ONLY reason New Moon and it’s predecessor Twilight are popular is because 1) It stars two hot guys and 2) It caters to awkward romantically-challenged tweens. That’s why I hate these movies. That’s why I complain about them as much as I do. I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m going into a field where the only thing that matters now is providing fodder for teenage girls that are so riled in pop culture, they’re delusional and have no concept between what’s real and what’s fantasy. It’s embarrassing.

But I know what you’re thinking. “If this film had hot girls you’d have no problem with it. Guys objectify girls with porn all the time.” I guess you’re right. I mean what do I know, I’m a man. I’m emotionally crippled, I only care about sports and porn, I think with my penis 100 percent of the time and I’m very, very stupid…

But I guess I would enjoy female nudity in a movie but that doesn’t make that movie better by any standards. Zombie Strippers was 75% naked women and I still hated it. And I don’t mean to put sexism into this but if guys across America were flocking to see a movie where a man was seduced by busty vampires and werewolves: you’d all think it’s perverted.

Which comes to my next point, one that makes the Twilight craze understandable. Twilight, in a way, is girl porn; it provides romantic fantasies the same way pornographic films do. Many girls, at least the mature, sane ones, who watch/read Twilight know it’s not necessarily good by traditional standards but they find it entertaining and romantically interesting. For the most part, girls will like any romantic movie. And this I have no problem with. There are plenty of films that I know are bad but still enjoy because they give me what I want: action/gore/some form of zombies. Same goes with girls who watch New Moon but instead of action they get romance.

This is where I defend the fanbase against people who go out of their way to bash and insult the fans. It’s too far. The worst I did was when I saw The Blind Side a few weeks ago, a girl seeing New Moon walked past and said, “I’m gonna scream so loud when Jacob comes in”. I light-heartedly mocked, “OMG me too.” She looked at me and laughed. I laughed back and gave each other a look of “let’s agree to disagree”. That’s the worst I’ve EVER done to a Twilight fan because I can never make fun of someone’s hobbies (I’m a 20 year old who still plays Pokemon). So when some guy pretentiously tells people before a fake screening that you’re a loser if you like this movie, you’re embarrassing yourself. Sure I hate this movie but I would NEVER make someone feel bad because they like something I don’t. My girlfriend likes Twilight and sure I tease her now and then but in a joking *nudge nudge* kind of way. Her liking the books/movie never interfered with our relationship because while I may be an elitist, I’m not a douchebag.

However, the point where the Twilight love gets out of hand (again) is when the fanbase considers this to be a valuable movie/book franchise; a saga. If Twilight is in a way considered “girl porn”, then any attempts of calling it a saga are laughable. I doubt even the most socially inept porn addict would consider the Busty MILF series a saga. I love bad/entertaining movies but I would never even think that a Sci-Fi Channel movie deserves Best Picture for MTV Movie Awards or People Choice Awards, especially since there are other titles that deserve the title of Best Picture far more.

But let’s face it. This franchise isn’t going anywhere, no matter how much I complain. So, I’ll enjoy my comic books and video games. The awkward men can enjoy their porn collection and the awkward girls can enjoy their sparkly vampires.

So now that I got that out of the way, I will never complain about this series ever again… well maybe until Eclipse comes out.


0:35-0:39 is OSCAR-WORTHY! September 12, 2009

The greatest movie in human history will be in theaters November 20th!!!!!!!


New Pics For Vampire Aids Documentary August 28, 2009

Filed under: Don't Believe The Hype — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 11:03 pm
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Looks like someone is taking this franchise WAY to seriously. Btw nice scarf tool ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

New Moon will be released on November 20th in the Seventh Circle of Hell… looks like you gotta kill yourself to see it (or


Stay Home: Teen Choice Awards August 9, 2009


If you really want proof our generation has no common sense, intelligence, complete lack of sanity, just flip through like 5 pages of facebook bumper stickers.


…the only worthwhile thing that could happen tonight is if this happens again.

UPDATE: I’ll be giving posts regularly tomorrow night updating the winners of the teen choice awards… and how any of you who voted are an embarrassment to humanity.