Nerdy Heartbeat

Movies, Reviews, News, Insanity

The Many Mysteries in the Land of Jersey Shore September 15, 2010

Filed under: Prepare to Cry — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 8:43 pm
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I think at this point it’s safe to say I hate the cast (I’ll just refer to them as bro 1-4 and biddy 1-4 as of now) of the epic tale that is refered to as Jersey Shore. Last year we were introduced to this fantastical realm of formidable possibly rhoid-rage fueled warriors,

psychopathic cockblocking witches (that for some reason I find kinda hot),

and… I honestly don’t know what race or class this falls under… what was Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Cause it’s probably that.

Jersey Shore is ultimately that out of control, possibly schizophrenic, drugged out his/her mind kid that was on your dorm floor freshman year. Sure (s)he was annoying as hell but he provided a copious amount of hilarity for you and your friends. You watched his/her drunken antics (from afar) laughing all the way. (S)He was so stupid it was hilarious, you loved it… yeah well now it’s sophomore year. And (s)he’s on your floor again. Now you’re just plain sick of him/her. The embarrassing drunken antics got old and now instead of a means of schadenfreude you just see a scumbag. And to make matters worse, he mostly just spends his time complaining about his on again/off again lover.

But I digress, this isn’t about the lack of quality of the show (quality is void in the realm of The Shore), this is about it’s endless stream of interest despite the fact that it documents the life of the trashiest people God had the accident of creating. Ultimately, the show has more mysteries than Lost. Many of them just started as hilarious “what if” scenarios but as I investigated further and noticed certain details: there is far more to Jersey Shore than fist pumps and avoiding “grenades”. So I have (as any professional Shoreologist would) studied certain elements of each episode mainly of this season, to point out the mysteries that have crossed my eye.

JWOWW: Boy or Steroid Taking Boy?

So there’s the obvious stabs at her appearance: the grotesquely fake breasts, her Andre the Giant physique, her voice that sounds like a cross-breed of horny old man and Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, but all those elements proved one thing and one thing only. JWoww is fucking terrifying by description. But it was during the second episode this season where things got hazy. In this episode JWoww drives Sammi and Snooki to a adult shop to find sexy club clothes but this wasn’t just any sex shop; this was a tranny sex shop. Now like I said before this is the second episode and as you all know they’re in Miami this season; so obviously they’ve been in Miami for only a few days. So riddle me this Batman: how the hell does JWoww know exactly where the tranny shop is in a city she’s never visited until now and just started living in for a couple of days? Unless… no. That’s ridiculous. Until she says this: “The sex shop is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. It’s my scene. And when I get into my scene I get into my clothes.” Wait… what? Did she just refer to the tranny sex shop as “her scene”? Christ not even Tobias Funke would give such obvious hints to the secrets of his sexuality. Although if JWoww really is a transvestite and therefore a dude, it would explain a lot. I mean the fact that she can’t have a mature argument with someone without threatening to murder them might just be her testosterone going out of control. It even explains her name. But their not saying “wow” because they think (s)he’s hot. It’s a “Wow, that’s one impressive drag queen!” or “Wow, he thinks he’s passing as a girl?” Of course, if all of this is true. Then this means DJ Pauly D hooked up with a dude… which is hilarious in it’s own right.

Is Vinny A Spy?

There is quite a difference between 1st Season Vinny and 2nd Season Vinny. 1st Season is profoundly down-to-earth and kinda mocks everyone on the show when they do something mockable. He is usually dubbed as “the smart one (?)”. In season 2 he joined MVP, aka Mike, Vinny and Pauly, aaka Most Valuable Playas (no really) and quickly joined the “Let’s Bang as Much Club Rats as Possible Guild” (I’m just gonna call it that for now since my whole motif for this is “Jersey Shore is the most fucked up RPG universe I’ve ever associated myself with”). Did Vinny become a douchebag? Not necessarily (at least in my head). First off, let’s face it. DJ Pauly D probably, at one point in his life, accidentally banged an underage chick. I mean the guy is almost 30, repeat almost 30 and his method for picking up girls is something that I, a 21 year old, find embarrassing and juvenile. Somewhere in Pauly’s escapades of hitting clubs, bumping and grinding on biddies and subsequently taking a girl home, some high school chick at her after prom party may have slipped in there. Therefore, Vinny was asked by concerned parents/the po po/anyone else to join the MVP Guild to keep an eye on Pauly and make sure he wasn’t boning anymore jailbait. The mission was successful. Pauly surprisingly became a lot less creepy and a lot nicer in recent episodes. No really. It almost makes up for that horrid Beat dat Beat Up song.

…almost. So Pauly started to grow up meaning that Vinny can go back to his sane, somewhat classy ways. Vinny planed to go on a double date with Pauly and his main squeeze by asking out some dancer he was in love with. Things didn’t go out as well. So while the four psycho girls in the house walk over their boy-toys, Vinny gets rejected and is stuck boning Angelina and Snooki.

Poor, poor Vinny.

Is The Situation a Personality Werewolf?

Oh The Situation. You really want to punch him in the face but you just can’t help but like the smug bastard… or at least envy him because he makes more money than you and all he does is get drunk, have sex and make some delicious looking food. But there’s something odd about him: one moment he tries to keep the peace through all the drama, gives fairly sage advice but then once he’s out at the club he acts like a class A douchebag. I mean at day he comforts Sammi’s and Snooki’s endless heartbreaks and then at night he’s calling girls zoo animals because they have like a slight muffin-top and aren’t Megan Fox hot.

Poor girl must be going through years of therapy

Wait a second… kinda nice guy at day, douchebag at night? Yup. The Situation is a were-bro. I mean that or he’s just a massive hypocrite. I guess we’ll never know and honestly what does it matter? He still makes more money than all of us… just a heads up dude, you should probably give some of that money to all the girls you drove to bulimia. It’s only fair.

Is Snooki the Most Despicable Human Being Creature Thing?

Okay. Let’s go down the list. She looks what would happen if one of those Orc things from Middle Earth got a spray on tan. As we all know, dude law states that bitchiness can only be acceptable if the girl is attractive. Which makes this thing even more detestable because in almost every episode she acts like a complete bitch and then plays the victim more than anyone on Fox News combined (and Fox News loves playing the victim). For example, recently it, Jwoww and Angelina (being a slight part of the initial conversation) wrote a note telling Sammi that Ronnie cheated on her. When everyone found out, Snooki (like a 5 year old discovering their parents found out they pooped the bed) shrieks like a high school scene band that Angelina was a wrote it too. But wait there’s more, when Angelina decides to admit she talked smack about Snooki, it makes a scene in a public place about how Angelina is finally owning up to stuff in a histrionic frenzy that would make Ms. Piggy roll her eyes. Jesus, during a fun game of toss the beach ball Snooki misses the ball and it lightly taps her, everyone laughs lightheartfully. Guess what happens? She convicts Angelina of hitting her on purpose and chucks a flip flop at her in the middle of a family party. You can say but oh it’s young but that’s not a good enough excuse. College girls don’t act like this, high school girls don’t act like this, most kids in middle school nay elementary school even don’t act like this. This thing is every annoying attention-grabbing person on facebook; every stupid fan page and status update, morphed into one giant undeveloped histrionic spitball of neurosis previously unseen in mainstream society. Sure Angelina and Sammi are psychotic and all but at least they have some concept of reality, even if that reality is a profoundly warped self-centered one, they still know how the world works. This thing doesn’t even know there is a world beyond her and her need for juiceheads. And I know some of you are saying, “Well at least it’s easy” but it’s not even that. It may dress in clothes never used outside of strip club and porn shoots but she almost never puts out. That’s right. Snooki every negative aspect about a typical skank without the one slightly positive attribute to society. Oh and did we mention that Snooki is dumb? Like insanely dumb? Like so dumb, it almost feels mean to make fun of her dumb? But no, there has to be something positive about it right? Some kind of attribute that gives her some sense of humanity. There has to be. Oh wait, an article in New York Times about Snooki has it willingly stating that the only two books it read are Dear John and Twilight. Okay. Nevermind. Case closed. Snooki is the most despicable non-murdering thing to ever exist on this life-giving Earth.

That’s it. I’m done. Writing this article isn’t fun anymore.


Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.