Nerdy Heartbeat

Movies, Reviews, News, Insanity

Vampires Suck Review AKA Nerdy Heartbeat Gives Up August 10, 2010

Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.

Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.

Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…

Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).

I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?

But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.

So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.

RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.

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Five Days In And We ALREADY Have A Worst Song of 2010 Nominee… January 6, 2010

No but seriously… WHY DOES THIS EVEN EXIST?

 

Nerdy Heartbeat’s 09 Recap – Biggest Guilty Pleasures December 13, 2009

There’s some stuff out there, I just can’t own up to liking. Whether it be a song on the radio, a bad movie or something utterly childish/girly, I try really hard to not like it. But I can’t. This list features my biggest guilty pleasures this year of stuff I didn’t want to like but just couldn’t help myself.

Glee

I was wondering if I should even put this show on this list because frankly, this is a really REALLY good show especially when compared to other teen programs on TV. That being said, as a straight 20 year old man, it’s hard to talk about my deep love for this show. I mean imagine telling your friends, “I can’t hang out now… I’m watching Glee.” My guy friends just give me a look and vaguely smirk. It’s like freshman year all over again when I confessed to my friends my love for The OC. Additionally, when you think about it, the show has a very similar concept to High School Musical. That being said, it’s a fantastic show with a great sense of humor, eccentric cast of characters and amazing covers of classic songs. Even if it’s shifted a little too far in dramatic territory with recent episodes, it’s still one of the best new shows this season.

Lady Gaga


I may not listen to her on a regular basis but whenever she’s on the radio I can’t help but sing along. There’s something about her, (Maybe it’s her craziness? Yeah her craziness) that makes her an interesting pop icon. I mean let’s face it, when you compare her to the Britney Spearses and P!nks and Kelly Clarksons of the world, she is far better and something the pop scene kinda needs right now: a different face. Her music is catchy, her personality turns heads and is a person that you simply couldn’t run away from in 2009. That and the Bad Romance video is pretty damn fantastic.

Wearing Neon

It’s the choice attire for scene kids and crappy pseduo-electronic bands. That being said, I can’t help but adding a tid bit of neon to my wardrobe to brighten stuff up. Yeah it can look ridiculous at times but… okay there’s not much defending when it comes to neon but hey it looks kinda cool if you want the impression of being a karaoke singer in space or something…

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

So it’s an absolutely horrible movie. The acting is horrendous, the story is silly as hell and the “epic fight scene”  is the same poorly rendered CGI shot just with different effects layered on it. Asylum Entertainment is known for making some of the best worst movies out there and this is definitely no exception. It’s so bad that you can’t help but love the awfulness it reeks. It’s absolutely hilarious. However, while it may be a bad movie, below is probably the greatest scene in film history. Ever. I’m not kidding.

Boys Like Girls – Two Is Better Than One

I already wrote a blog about this. Click here

 

Nerdy Heartbeat’s 2009 Recap – The Top 10 Music Videos of 2009 December 1, 2009

Thanks to youtube, music videos may no longer have a place on television but they have been more accessible (and arguably more popular) on the internet. For the past year, artists have further experimented with this unique art form in plenty of effective ways. These are the top 10 Music Videos of 2009.

10. Every Time I Die – Wanderlust

For about four minutes, Keith Buckley walks in on some seriously grotesque yet psychedelic imagery while the rest of the bands rocks out like crazy. Not only was the video pretty cool, but it showed off some of the unbelievable album artwork before it was in stores.

9. Matt and Kim – Lessons Learned

Remember the hilarious shock value of Blink-182’s video of “What’s My Age Again”? Yeah, multiply that by 100. Matt and Kim streak in the middle of Times Square and right at the very last moment, Kim gets hit by a bus. It’s funny as all hell. I just want to know how they were able to get away with this.

8. Manchester Orchestra – I’ve Got Friends

The intentionally aged look gives the video a unique style many don’t see in the music video format. Plus the hilariously bizarre concept starring a guy in a bear suit and haunting apparitions of the band members makes it stand out even more.

7. Animal Collective- My Girls

Freak-folk pioneers, Animal Collective, blew up like crazy this past year thanks to a breakout album and the fantastic indie hit, “My Girls”. The video features grooving silhouettes of the band mixed with a slew of crazy psychedelic visuals. The result is something that feels both retro and slightly futuristic with a slam of hip eye candy. Hipsters love this band for a reason and this video shows why.

6. fun. – All The Pretty Girls

fun. (the side project featuring members of The Format, Anathallo, Steel Train) is arguably the best new band of 2009 and they’ve got a great video to prove it. This hilarious homage to The Beatles that closes with a trio of singing piniatas makes it one music video that’s nothing short of… well… fun.

5. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

Okay. So she’s weird… really weird. But let’s face it she’s probably the most unique artist in the mainstream music scene. Compared to the other pop princesses, she’s pretty damn good. Her video for her latest single is well, indescribable at times with outrageous outfits, even more outrageous but mind-boggling choreography, a plot that doesn’t really make any sense and a conclusion featuring a pyrotechnic bra and skeletal corpse. Uh…. sure? Yeah it’s out there… really out there, but it’s so weird that in a way, it’s absolutely genius. Not to mention, the visuals are just plain unbelievable at times. It’s been a while since a mainstream artist has freaked anyone out through music video and isn’t that why we like this format in the first place?

4. WHY? – These Hands/January Twenty Something

Jonathan “Yoni” Wolf (aka WHY?) makes some of the most emotionally compelling hip-hop and folk rock around. The video deals with the scenes of a car accident juxtaposed with Wolf’s soothingly evocative voice. The image of the old man with arrows shot all over his back surrounded by fog carrying the boy will forever be ingrained in my mind. Powerful stuff.

3. Mastodon – Oblivion

Mastodon’s latest concept record deals with elements of space and time so what better way to introduce the album than having a music video that takes place in space. The visuals are nothing short of gorgeous with some of the best visual effects I’ve seen in a music video in a long long time and the video deals with the terror, mystery and suspense of being alone in outer space. They say in space no one can hear you scream, but shred? That’s a completely different story.

2. Fall Out Boy – What A Catch, Donnie

Folie A Deux is arguably FOB’s best release since Take This To Your Grave and “What a Catch, Donnie” was one of the best tracks off of their recent (and probably last) album. So when we heard there was going to be a video for this song, we all knew it would be sweep us off our feet. On the surface, its a tale about a ship’s captain (Patrick Stump) befriending and eventually bidding farewell to a seagull. It’s only until the captain sees a boat sinking on the distance when we see what the video is really about.   Ultimately, the video is a huge metaphor for the band’s unfortunate hiatus, but by george they went out with a bang. We’ll miss you guys but maybe you can ditch Wentz come the reunion.

1. All Time Low – Weightless



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Let’s face it. A lot of people don’t like All Time Low these days. Some people consider them sell-outs for being covered by MTV. Some people are turned off by the abundance of screaming teenage girls that swoon over Alex Gaskarth. Or frankly, some people just don’t like the punk-pop/powerpop scene. Well, ATL manages to get back at all the haters in the funniest way possible. In their video for their first single for Nothing Personal, the bands makes fun of pretty much everyone and everything from Twitter, to crazed teeny bopper fans and even themselves through bitterly frank statements followed by the ever-so appropriate phrase “Nothing Personal”. Top it off with a ridiculous over-the-top style and hilarious cameos by FOB’s Pete Wentz and Blink’s Mark Hoppus and you have one of the funniest vids in a while. Even if you hate ATL for whatever reasons you have, you can’t help but laugh at their complete mockery of the scene.

 

I Had A Migrane During the VMAs September 14, 2009

Kanye_west_IN_SPACE

Best Video of the Year OF ALL TIME

Beyoncé — “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”

Best Male Video

T.I. (featuring Rihanna) — “Live Your Life”

Best Female Video

Taylor Swift — “You Belong with Me BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!

Best New Artist

Lady Gaga — “Poker Face”

Best Pop Video

Britney Spears – Womanizer

Best Rock Video

Green Day – 21 Guns

Best Hip-Hop Video

Eminem – We Made You

Breakthrough Video (Aka the award that helped me believe MTV still has some credibility as a medium)

Matt and Kim – Lessons Learned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kanye, this is one of the best videos of all time)

The rest of the night had plenty of highlights including Kanye/T Swift Drama, T Swift singing in the only subway in New York without creepy homeless people, an insane amount of New Moon promotions, Green Day trying to convince people they’re still punk rock, Gabe Saporta and Pete Wentz being rad dudes and of course Lady Gaga making me and everyone else uncomfortably aroused. Below you is the greatest performance in human history. I wish this was sarcasm.




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Meth is A Hell of A Drug. September 13, 2009

Filed under: Awkward — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 4:52 pm
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Still Greatest Person Ever Award: Lady Gaga July 21, 2009

Filed under: Best of 2009 — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 3:04 am
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…Yeah…