Nerdy Heartbeat

Movies, Reviews, News, Insanity

Nerdy Heartbeat’s 09 Recap – The Embarrassing Success of Transformers and New Moon December 10, 2009

WARNING: The following blog is extremely bitchy and features a pretentious college student endlessly ranting about two movies he loathes deeply. Just to clarify I will not look down on you if you do like either of these films and state your opinion in a respectful manner. After all debating is the heart and soul of internet blogging. Finally, I promise that after this blog I will NEVER complain about Transformers or the Twilight Saga EVER again (maybe).

2009 was a fantastic year for movies. Films like District 9, (500) Days of Summer, Paper Heart and Where The Wild Things Are are just a few of this year’s best. Too bad you didn’t see any of them. I mean who can blame you? Aliens as a metaphor for genocide? Awkward, homely teenagers making a “documentary” about love? CGI creatures having dysfunctional problems instead of making fart jokes? …A woman breaking a man’s heart? These ideas just seem dumb, catered for those emo-hipster kids out there with their Fall Out Guys and Radiofaces. I just want entertainment. And frankly there is nothing more entertaining than A) Random explosions, racist robots and over-the-top hot girl eye candy to the sounds of horrible pseduo-alternative rock or B) Two shirtless guys awkwardly fighting over a depressive biopolar ****tease of a drama queen.

These were the movies we Americans spent millions of dollars on this year rather than films that were both entertaining and intellectually rewarding. But don’t cry for the District 9s or (500) Days of Summers. No. Cry for the audiences and die-hard fans of Transformers and New Moon. They’re killing mainstream American filmmaking and don’t even care. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just lost touch with the mainstream film. Maybe I’m simply overreacting that my favorite films didn’t get the attention they deserved. After all, lazy filmmaking have existed since the beginning of the Blockbuster in the mid-70s when production companies realized that visual effects can mask any of the film’s flaws. Movies like this will always exist whether I like it or not. I don’t expect this blog to change anyone’s opinions cause it won’t. Twilight fans will always love Twilight. Transformers fans will always love Transformers. There’s nothing wrong with that. This is just an over-the-top story of a confused film buff, wondering if nonsensical explosions and hot guys whetting the romantic appetite of awkward tweens is what our generation of film goers really want to spend 8+ dollars on. So let’s get this trainwreck of a rant a rolling.

400 Million Gone To Shia Lebouf and Robots Trying to Save The World… or Something

When you think about it, the Transformers movies are some genius metaphor. Think about it. This, along with Nascar and MTV, represents everything morally and intellectually wrong with our society. It’s like Michael Bay might be revealing our cultural shortcomings through explosions… might be. Revenge of the Fallen has it all: racism, immature humor, caring about sexuality and violence over things that actually matter, this movie has it all. I’ve always tolerated Michael Bay. Sure his movies suck and they usually put me to sleep cause of their profound boredom, however, there’s always a scene in each film that intrigues me and makes the movie much less horrible. For example, while 75% of Pearl Harbor was a chore to watch, the action scene was fantastic. Even Bad Boys II which I consider one of the worst films ever had an awesome chase scene. So, what was the money shot for Transformers 2? Well… there’s this one part in the beginning where a Autobot does a backflip while cutting a Decepicon in half and then says to himself, “Damn, I’m good.” Those 30 seconds were pretty awesome because it was probably the only time (thanks to slo-mo) that you can tell who’s blowing up who in this movie. Yeah there’s a lot of action. But there’s so much and it’s all so compressed that eventually, it doesn’t really mean anything.

There’s so much cliched Bayism related atrocity in this film. It takes everything you hated about other Bay films and amplifies it. Remember the 5 minute joke of rats doing it in Bad Boys II? Well in T2, there’s a 10 minute joke  with dogs doing it while Shia’s parents make “really funny” comments about sex. You know how every Bay movie has an overload of hot chicks? Well in this movie, Shia goes to a college that is populated ENTIRELY of hot chicks. Seriously? Not one ugly chick or even average looking chick? They’re all hot? Is the freshmen 15 or eating yourself out of depression nonexistent in this school? Now Michael Bay is not only a bad director but he’s a straight up liar. Remember how stereotyped Jazz was in the first Transformers movie? Well T2 has TWO stereotypical robots, Mudflap and Skids, that are far more racist.

I mean the fact that there’s this much low-brow stereotyping in a mainstream American film in 2009 is flat out embarrassing. Sure this probably wasn’t intentional. I doubt George Lucas sought out to offend Jamaicans and Asians and Jews in Phantom Menace but still… no one at Dreamworks thought this would be offensive?

The rest of the film is filled with a plot that only arises an hour into the movie, robots with genitals, jokes about said robots with genitals, slo-mo shots of Megan Fox in sexy poses and the human actors trying to act. Oh yeah and there’s a Decepticon that turns into a dog and another that turns into a hot chick.

All in the name of entertainment.

When Awkward Sexual Fantasies Becomes A Cultural Phenomenon…

I think I knew Bella Swan in high school. Actually, I think we all knew Bella Swan in high school. She was the crazy girl who thought her life was a complete tragedy despite the fact that so many people care about her. She is the Holden Caulfield of modern literature (if you even consider these books literature). But Holden complained about being surrounding by a culture that he didn’t connect with; a world of “phonies” as he called it. He had an existential crisis which while annoying on paper, we do relate to him. Bella Swan is just as crazy and even more annoying but what’s her poison? What causes her emotional and mental downfall? Well, she’s just having a hissy fit because her vampire boyfriend won’t love her forever.

This is why I hate this “franchise”. It’s enveloping a melodramatic abortion of a plot that’s living proof why many people think are generation is mentally fractured. I read excerpts of the book and I’ve seen this before, all over the internet. It’s a longwinded livejournal entry but Meyer just replaces every time they say “boyfriend” with the word “vampire” or “werewolf”. It’s a socially awkward high school whinefest and it’s the biggest “saga” of our generation. Awesome.

Then there’s the movies. All of the aspects that make a film noteworthy (acting, superb dialog, intriguing plot, profound themes, deep mythology, even eye-scorching visuals) are completely removed. The ONLY reason New Moon and it’s predecessor Twilight are popular is because 1) It stars two hot guys and 2) It caters to awkward romantically-challenged tweens. That’s why I hate these movies. That’s why I complain about them as much as I do. I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m going into a field where the only thing that matters now is providing fodder for teenage girls that are so riled in pop culture, they’re delusional and have no concept between what’s real and what’s fantasy. It’s embarrassing.

But I know what you’re thinking. “If this film had hot girls you’d have no problem with it. Guys objectify girls with porn all the time.” I guess you’re right. I mean what do I know, I’m a man. I’m emotionally crippled, I only care about sports and porn, I think with my penis 100 percent of the time and I’m very, very stupid…

But I guess I would enjoy female nudity in a movie but that doesn’t make that movie better by any standards. Zombie Strippers was 75% naked women and I still hated it. And I don’t mean to put sexism into this but if guys across America were flocking to see a movie where a man was seduced by busty vampires and werewolves: you’d all think it’s perverted.

Which comes to my next point, one that makes the Twilight craze understandable. Twilight, in a way, is girl porn; it provides romantic fantasies the same way pornographic films do. Many girls, at least the mature, sane ones, who watch/read Twilight know it’s not necessarily good by traditional standards but they find it entertaining and romantically interesting. For the most part, girls will like any romantic movie. And this I have no problem with. There are plenty of films that I know are bad but still enjoy because they give me what I want: action/gore/some form of zombies. Same goes with girls who watch New Moon but instead of action they get romance.

This is where I defend the fanbase against people who go out of their way to bash and insult the fans. It’s too far. The worst I did was when I saw The Blind Side a few weeks ago, a girl seeing New Moon walked past and said, “I’m gonna scream so loud when Jacob comes in”. I light-heartedly mocked, “OMG me too.” She looked at me and laughed. I laughed back and gave each other a look of “let’s agree to disagree”. That’s the worst I’ve EVER done to a Twilight fan because I can never make fun of someone’s hobbies (I’m a 20 year old who still plays Pokemon). So when some guy pretentiously tells people before a fake screening that you’re a loser if you like this movie, you’re embarrassing yourself. Sure I hate this movie but I would NEVER make someone feel bad because they like something I don’t. My girlfriend likes Twilight and sure I tease her now and then but in a joking *nudge nudge* kind of way. Her liking the books/movie never interfered with our relationship because while I may be an elitist, I’m not a douchebag.

However, the point where the Twilight love gets out of hand (again) is when the fanbase considers this to be a valuable movie/book franchise; a saga. If Twilight is in a way considered “girl porn”, then any attempts of calling it a saga are laughable. I doubt even the most socially inept porn addict would consider the Busty MILF series a saga. I love bad/entertaining movies but I would never even think that a Sci-Fi Channel movie deserves Best Picture for MTV Movie Awards or People Choice Awards, especially since there are other titles that deserve the title of Best Picture far more.

But let’s face it. This franchise isn’t going anywhere, no matter how much I complain. So, I’ll enjoy my comic books and video games. The awkward men can enjoy their porn collection and the awkward girls can enjoy their sparkly vampires.

So now that I got that out of the way, I will never complain about this series ever again… well maybe until Eclipse comes out.


No. September 1, 2009

Filed under: Don't Believe The Hype — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 10:52 pm
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Columbia Pictures is developing a third installment of the high-octane “Bad Boys” franchise, tapping Peter Craig to pen the screenplay.

The hope is to have a script that would reunite director Michael Bay, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. At this point, with the project in the early stages, none has a deal to return.

Worst potential trilogy ever.

To remind you just how bad these movies really are, here’s a strong nominee for worst attempt at film comedy ever:


STFU: Transformers 2 Drama OR Michael Bay Being A Complete Douche July 2, 2009

Filed under: STFU — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 10:03 pm
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Megan Fox’s Respectful Criticism:

I mean, I can’t s— on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don’t want to blow smoke up people’s a–. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting.

Michael Bay Whining In Response:

Well, that’s Megan Fox for you. She says some very ridiculous things because she’s 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do. You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, ‘Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it’ […] Nic Cage wasn’t a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck. before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn’t a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys […] Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers. I like to think that I’ve had some luck in building actors’ careers with my films.

Oh Michael Bay… You say Fox should grow up when your last movie was filled with dogs having sex, robots with testicles and racial stereotypes.

Sure you proved us all wrong by giving us the biggest movie since Dark Knight but that doesn’t give you permission to act like a total tool.


Box Office: Shia LeBeouf Running From Robots 2 Made 16 Mil at Midnight Premieres Alone June 24, 2009

Filed under: box office — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 10:52 pm
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Damn. Guess no one listened to my advice yesterday. Ah well. This summer desperately needs at least one movie to make over 300 Mil. Maybe this one will do it.


Stay Home: Transformers 2 June 23, 2009

As much as everyone wants to see ultimately the same mediocre movie from 2007 but with worse music, honestly just see Up or The Hangover or The Proposal again. And if you really need to grovel over Megan Fox’s hotness, God invented the internet.


Don’t Believe the Hype: Michael Bay Cries About Lack of Marketing for Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox: The Movie Part 2 June 22, 2009

Filed under: Don't Believe The Hype — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 11:09 pm
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Michael Bay - South Park

Michael Bay wrote a whiny memo to Paramount about how there’s no marketing for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The Hollywood Reporter states:

“Right now we are not an event. We are just a sequel, which is very different. There is no anticipation. Remember back to ‘Spider-Man 2’ — it was everywhere,” he wrote.

Bay added that advance word on the $200 million robot extravaganza in publications like Entertainment Weekly, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times had been an “abject failure,” and he described as “lame” a plan for him to preview a small clip at the MTV Movie Awards this month.

“I cannot figure if this is a cash issue with your company? Is there some clever idea why we are not spending? I’m not sure,” he said. “I’m sure though the movie will do fine, but not to your internal expectations because right now we are fooling ourselves by being cocky.”

Bay, the trailer for this movie has been screened before every film since Xmen Origins: Wolverine. And maybe Paramount knows the movie will cause plenty of word of mouth based around the fact that it is a sequel to a really popular blockbuster. Or maybe Paramount was too busy marketing a good movie like Star Trek and didn’t feel like endorsing the train-wreck this movie is going to be.

Shia LeBeouf Running Away from Giant Evil Robots to the Music of Linkin Park… Again will be in theaters this Wednesday.