Not to long ago, I stated that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Twilight Saga: New Moon, were the epitome of lazy filmmaking: representing everything that was wrong with mainstream American cinema. I was wrong. These two movies will always have their place in the movie world. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re still horrible but at least they have some kind of appeal. The Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unholy tetralogy (and now pentalogy) however, are the real deal. They are horrible. Oh Jesus H. Christ are they horrible.
Once upon a time, before sparkling vampires and angsty teenage girls were the red-headed stepchildren of Hollywood, two jesters made a horrendous “parody” of the romance genre called Date Movie. It’s comedic peak was a five minute sequence of a cat having diarrhea… that was it’s peak. The rest of the film consisted of fat jokes and celebrity pandering that was irrelevant at best. Next was Epic Movie, which was essentially a weaker Date Movie. Then Meet the Spartans, which made even the teenage boys who loved previous affairs cringe in embarrassment. After Meet the Spartans, the names Friedberg and Seltzer struck fear in the hearts of every critic, film buff and average movie goer. By the time Disaster Movie hit theaters, audiences knew the groan-inducing attempts at humor they’d get from Friedberg and Seltzer and simply ignored it. It bombed. And for all intents and purposes the two jesters were done with making movies. Either that or people grabbed them by the necks, shook the celebrity gossip jokes and nut kick jokes out of them and forced them to actually try.
Then not to long after Disaster Movie left theaters, a little project called Twilight emerged and it became the new thing everyone (including me) loved to hate. Its disregard for vampire lore, profoundly melodramatic storyline and borderline psychotic fanbase made it pretty easy to loathe. For a while we all thought hating the Twilight Saga wouldn’t bring anything bad on our part (besides hilarious online death threats from “twi-hards”), but then an evil force came back…
Vampires Suck is the fifth affair by writing/directing/penis jokes enthusiast team Friedberg and Seltzer “parodying” the Twilight Saga as well as (for whatever reason) Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga, Alice In Wonderland and anything else that pops into this referencing for the sake of referencing kind of humor. I watched online (yup it leaked online, so if your curious you can watch it now. Go ahead! I’ll wait.), a place where mediocre parody videos find their home but even there it felt out of place. You see, youtube videos are 3-5 minutes long, give you a good laugh and by the time the joke gets old, it ends. Vampires Suck, on the other hand is a full feature film (well barely, it’s just under 80 minutes long) so the joke (that isn’t even that funny in the first place) more than overstays it’s welcome. Sure it may be a slight improvement from their other films (slight improvement) but it still has all their basic styles of humor: over saturation of referencing celebrity drama, over-saturation of referencing pop culture stuff in general and when they run out of ideas (which is a lot) they just have a character get hit with something (because this is the 1940s and stuff like that is still very very funny).
I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, not all movies have to be smart. Don’t take it so seriously”. No. Because A: they’re are a lot of “stupid” movies that are very very funny and B: 20th Century Fox takes it seriously, because they’re expecting you, the consumer, to pay your well earned cash to go see this. I don’t know if Friedberg and Seltzer got the memo but seeing a movie is fairly expensive these days. So when I pay 10 dollars to go see Edward Cullen look-a-like juggle an apple, a bowling ball and a poorly CGI baby (?), I’m safely going to assume that this was the best possible project these people were able to create in an attempt to entertain me and feel that my purchase was worthwhile. It’s basic economics, if we’re going to pay that much to see your movie at least have the audacity to give us a product with lasting quality. I mean for Christ’s sake your way of referencing Buffy The Vampire Slayer is to have some blond girl walk around with a shirt that says “Buffy” on it. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Is this a movie made by professionals or a campfire skit at a Boy Scout summer camp?
But like I said, it’s not the worst they’ve done and there’s some parts that are mildly humorous (at best) but still, do we really need a movie like this in 2010? Do we need to spend 80 minutes to hear people reminding us how lame the Twilight movies are? That’s like saying we need a 80 minute movie telling us the sun comes up every morning. Plus, thanks to youtube (and the internet in general), we’re such a culture-centric society. If we want to see a parody of something, we have hundreds, thousands of material for that certain subject at our fingertips. We’ve already heard every Twilight, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Gossip Girl joke there is to hear. So honestly, do we really need a movie that has Jacob’s pack flamboyantly dancing to “It’s Raining Men”? Do we need to hear comparisons between Edward Cullen and the Jonas Brothers? Do we need to be reminded how ridiculous it is that Jacob always has his shirt off? But more importantly, do we need a shot for shot remake of Twilight and New Moon where the only real noticeable difference is that someone gets hit in the face/nuts/stomach by something every 2 minutes? The answer to all those questions, and many more, is absolutely not. My life was fine and dandy before Friedberg and Seltzer re-emerged from whatever hole they crawled out of and I’ll (as well as the rest of you) will be much better off once they just leave us all alone.
So all in all, this movie sucks (surprised right?). If you really need to see it watch it online, where it rightfully belongs since this is really just a painfully mediocre version of what you see on Youtube and Buzzfeed and Cracked every single day. And for the love of Christ if you actually pay 10 dollars to see this in a theater, resulting in actually giving money to these people for making this cinematic abortion… you are part of the problem. Which problem you ask? All of them. War, poverty, malnutrition, domestic abuse, homophobia, racism, child abuse, Snooki, they are all entirely your fault. Douchebag.
RIYL: After watching this I was found rocking back and forth in the shower whimpering the Sesame Street theme song… backwards… So if you’re into that I guess you’re in luck.