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Worst Movie of 2010: The Rant November 23, 2010

Filed under: SOMEONE KILL ME — andthismakesaheartbeat @ 1:06 am
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Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why Nerdy Heartbeat, don’t you think it’s too soon to dub the worst movie of 2010? Frankly, no. Because 1. We’re diving into Oscars season, a time that very few awful films are placed in and 2. Anything that is coming up that looks bad or iffy will probably not be as nearly as bad as this. So, now that we have that out of the way…

Nerdy Heartbeat Presents: Everything About the Movie That Made Me Almost Lose It — The Blog

I have an profound love/hate relationship with the Romantic Comedy genre (think Love the Way You Lie but replace Rihanna with Katherine Heigl). On one end of the spectrum I get moving, phenomenal stories like Love, Actually or (500) Days of Summer; films that transcend genders, age groups and social statuses; movies everyone and their hot ass mother can relate too.

Then there’s “The Shadowlands” of the genre. The ones, that are unfortunately mainly associated with the genre, that appear to exist in some terrifying alternate reality crafted by a cult of biddies. They exist mainly to mock the men of the world; covered with female protagonists who spend a majority of their screen time complaining about their love life (because as well all now relationships are the ONLY thing that matters to a woman) with attempts of comedy relief done by [insert hot dude’s name here] taking his shirt off, singing an girly song, showing off his six-pack while inadvertently laughing at me while on a movie date because he thinks I’m SO FUCKING FAT- yeah no. I don’t like these movies. At all. I just don’t.

And then there’s Valentine’s Day which envelopes on a whole new level of suck that I didn’t even know existed. Now before I go any further, I think it’s fair to point out that I watch almost exclusively bad bad movies. For fun. Additionally, I’m an open minded person. Even if I absolutely hate something, I’m still the kind of person that can find the beauty in almost anything (with the exception of fart jokes… and Snooki).

I would never… like not even with someone else’s dick. Just. Fucking gross.

Even Vampires Suck and other Friedberg/Seltzer films. As gut-wretchedly terrible as they are. They’re short. Like 60, 70 minute short. So even THEY have their mild upsides. But let me say, with complete honesty, that there was not a single line, composition, musical choice, character, lighting technique, cleavage shot in Valentine’s Day that I found even remotely enjoyable. This is the first time I could safely say this about ANY movie. Ever. In a movie-goers world where he searches for the bottom of the barrel, Valentine’s Day doesn’t even exist in the same realm as the barrel. It’s just an endless void. With whining. So much fucking whining.

Now before I go any further, I think it’s only fair to explain the scenario I was in while watching this. I was on a plane back from a fantastic three week study abroad program in Japan. It was one of the best times of my life and here I am on a plane, about to watch a movie, but not just any movie; my first re-emergence into American culture. The movies were already picked on the plane and the first one was Valentine’s Day. My initial reaction was “Oh I heard about it. It has a great cast and reminds me of Love, Actually one of my favorite movies. I might enjoy this.”

Movie begins. That catchy Michael Franti song plays. Feeling good about it. Oh wait. Here comes Aston Kutcher giving absurdly philosophical monologues about love. Hold up, here’s Jamie Foxx complaining about how he hate’s Valentine’s Day because he’s… wait for it…”a player and shutting down his playerness for”- nope you lost me, I’m gonna just tone you out for another 2 hours. And… enter George Lopez.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

 

One of the major criticisms of the film by those professional folk were that the characters in this movie were one dimensional. They were wrong. These characters don’t even have dimensions. There’s like 20 thousand sub-plots going on. Half of them are pointless and all of them are consistently irritating. Jessica Biel spends most of the movie moping about how she’s a working woman who’s alone (because as we all know, a woman can’t be both successful AND in a relationship) and halfway through has an emotional breakdown in front of Jamie Foxx. It’s uncomfortable. Not the funny kind of uncomfortable either. It’s like the “is that guy really masturbating on the subway?” uncomfortable. This is also the same character that holds a “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. Yeah. It’s about as groan-inducing and self-loathing as it sounds. (Side note) I don’t care if you’re single, or taken, or “it’s complicated” during V-Day but it’s a holiday dedicated to two and only two things: chocolate and boning. If you don’t like celebrating either of those two things or a combination of both, I don’t want to know you.

And then there’s a little boy who’s hopelessly in love. Oh like the cute kid in Love, Actually? Fuck no. He has THE most obnoxious fucking voice ever and, like everyone else, is given awful dialog to work with. Awful to the point that you almost feel sorry for everyone involved.

Since the film is 2 hours too long and has a million characters, the story tends to trek into what I like to call the “Phantom Menace Recap” flaw. One of the many problems with The Phantom Menace is that whenever something “important” happened, a handful of characters, whether it be Jar Jar, naked 3PO or random alien had to comment on it despite it being pointless. There are several moments in the film where the story stops for like 2 minutes for characters to talk about the events going on. We get it. The characters are all connected. You’re attempting a Greek chorus and failing. Move on.

And that’s the one of many problems with this movie. It’s awkward. Like Fucking. Awkward. Like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room awkward. Like you’d think all of Hollywood has been replaced by high school actors awkward. When actors aren’t giving the most awful dialog in a mainstream movie, the camera randomly cuts to nonsensical things that you’d probably see in a Tim and Eric sketch. It’s surprising to see so many beautiful famous people be so damn awkward on camera. You don’t care about any of the characters and you honestly don’t want to, because they don’t seem even the slightest real. Jennifer Gardner breaks up with her cheating “boyfriend” like a high schooler, if said high schooler has bipolar disorder. Taylor Swift plays a more annoying version of herself. Emma Roberts awkwardly talks about boning her high school sweetheart to anyone who’ll listen. Everyone on screen seemingly ad libs and improvs for the sake of it… badly. And George Lopez… George Fucking Lopez acts as the Yoda of True Love. It’s a mess. A mess that dangerously borders between aware post-modern genius or complete piece of shit.

Still unconvinced this movie’s a murderer of all that is good? I have a monster crush on Anne Hathaway. Like hard. She spends all of her screen time dirty talking in European accents. And it didn’t save the movie. That’s right. Anne Hathaway. Who’s in my top 3 of “Famous People I’d Totally Bone” list. Is a sex line worker. And is dirty talking. In a hot European accent. Through the entire movie. And even that doesn’t help. Oh yes. It’s that bad.

And (spoiler alert?) there’s no real payoff. Most of the stories either end with the pairs spontaneously kissing just to end the sexual tension that no one really cares about or text each other “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love U! LOL!” In a world of shitty romantic comedies, this is the one that has the raw power to destroy galaxies with its suck. It’s awful. Garbage. Proof that actors actually have to do more than just look pretty in front of a camera.

So in summary, Valentine’s Day: a movie with awkwardness Tommy Wiseau can’t even top that is absolutely horrible even with Anne Hathaway saying sexy stuff in a European accent.

 

God help us all.


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Nerdy Heartbeat’s Guide to What You Should Watch On Valentine’s Day February 13, 2010

Oh Valentine’s Day. The most disgustingly obnoxious/commercial holiday ever conceived by the big businesses of America. But enough about the drama regarding how American love has morphed into mass consumerism and socially histrionic tendencies it’s here, it always will be and complaining won’t do anything. Whether you like it or not, tomorrow you WILL snuggle up with your significant other (or a significant other), go to dinner, exchange gifts and probably watch a movie or two. I’m here to talk about the latter. I know. The average chick flick sucks. Looking at films like Leap Year, the most recent of “romantic” catastrophes, chances are these films are mindless escapism for delusional depressed women who want to forget how pathetic their lives are: that as long as someone falls in love within their grasps they can fall asleep without having to blast Taylor Swift while crying themselves to sleep. ANYWAY… I’m here to help you. To make sure you don’t watch one of those films because, shockingly enough, for every 3 horrible rom-coms, there’s 1 that is so damn good, it will make you forget about all that mediocrity. So when that special person wants to watch a cute date movie, you can recommend one of these, pop it in and not have to deal with all the cliched ridicule that plagues the genre. Additionally, the following list consists of films that you would both enjoy

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Julia Roberts is always gorgeous. Plain and simple. But her charm is only one of the reasons people love this movie. In short, Julia Roberts falls for her best friend (who’s a guy), best friend proposes to Cameron Diaz, hilarity and/or chaos ensues. The premise may not be super original but the dialog is sharp, the ending isn’t the Hollywood type but conversely, it doesn’t delve into self-loathing tragedy. Rupert Everett, as Julia’s gay friend, is fantastically hilarious and the “I Say A Little Prayer for You” scene is especially noteworthy. Plus, it’s nice to remember a time long ago when you didn’t find Cameron Diaz incredibly irritating.

Any Judd Apatow Rom-Com (The 40 Year Old Virgin, Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Let’s face it. Judd Apatow is funny as hell. But underneath all of the absurd sex-ridden conversations and endless dick jokes, these films are romantic-comedies with as much heart as they have raunch. 40 Year Old Virgin starts off as a tale of a man’s lack of sexual experience and the awkwardness that comes with it, but it progresses into a simple but charming “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back, boy and girl live happily ever after” story. Forgetting Sarah Marshall deals with the evolution of a relationship, the good and the bad of a person and how some relationships do end but it only leads to finding someone new and better. Even if you dislike sexual humor you can’t help but appreciate the wit within the dialog. I’d put Knocked Up on the list but it’s frankly a bit too cynical at times for a V-Day setting.

Any Disney Movie

Okay not any Disney movie but you know what I mean: the one’s that are essentially love stories (Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Lion King, Aristocats, Snow White, Hercules… yeah you get the idea). And I get it, some of you may think you’re too old for these kinds of films but even if your “too mature” for the story, you can’t help but marvel at the animation and music. Plus, recommending a film like this for a date may show off your playful side. I know. It sounds ridiculous but these films are adorable and you’d be straight up lying if you said these movies didn’t brighten your day.

(500) Days of Summer

You all know I love this movie. So I don’t need to explain it anymore. Seriously fools, go watch it.

Moulin Rouge!

A musical about love? It sounds like something that would completely destroy your masculinity. But no how much of a woman you may feel like while watching it, you won’t care. The visuals are so phenomenal that’s it’s basically an orgy for the eyes. Additionally, there’s some Nirvana and Beatles covers in here: both of them are pretty manly bands right? And if that doesn’t help just keep telling yourself it’s a movie about prostitutes. Come to think of it, any other musical would work just as well too… unless you’re not into that kinda thing.

When Harry Met Sally

Every other rom-com after this movie sucks, to an extent. This is the mother of them all, it’s responsible for all the Hollywood boy meets girl stories that came out within the past two decades. And it’s still really really good to this day. See it. No seriously. That’s all I have to say. I mean come on if you’re a fan of the rom-com genre you have to respect your elders. And you can’t get more classic than this.

Annie Hall

Speaking of classics… watch Annie Hall while your at it. Next to It’s A Wonderful Life, this is my all time favorite movie. A tale about love and all the insanity that comes after it. Woody Allen knows how to express the quirkiness of human interaction regarding love and sex. See it.

Honorable Mentions:

Zack and Miri Make  A Porno

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Juno

Can’t Hardly Wait

Garden State

Pretty Woman

Paper Heart

Jerry Maguire